The Return of The Condor Heroes is coming to DVD! Finally, after an 18 year wait, I'll be able to own a copy of my all time favorite series without worrying about it deteriorating. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's one of the best love stories you'll ever find. Combine in unforgettable characters, kick ass martial arts, and the first girl I ever fell in love with, and you get a series that has no competitor! The main female lead, Tieu Long Nu, literally Little Dragon Lady, is absolutely amazing. The first time I saw her fly out and rescue the main character, draped all in white silk and her hair flowing through the wind, it took my breath away. (I love white and I think I've modeled almost every girl I've ever liked around her!) The story is about her and the boy she saves, their lifelong relationship, first as master and student, and eventually husband and wife, along with all the ridicule, difficulties, and perils that they have to face. One of the most poignant moment occurs when the two characters are separated for a span over 16 years. Yet during that time, their love never fades, and to contrary, grows even stronger. ***Sigh*** How I long for such a beautiful love in my life. Unconditional, unwavering, the heart of the story can be summed up in the following poem.

O mortals, what is love? that binds beyond life on earth? to all corners, in pair we fly... braving summer and winter, by and by... union is bliss, parting is woe, agony is boundless, for a lovelorn soul, sweetheart... give me word, trail of clouds drifting forward... and mountains capped with snow, whither shall my lonesome shadow go??

I spent a lot of today mingling with family. In the morning, I went to my cousin's, which seems to be the local gathering spot for my entire family. While I was there, I ran into two uncles, 4 aunts, 7 cousins, and 1 niece. I feel for anyone willing to marry me because they have to really enjoy big families and getting to learn everyone's name! =) Anyway, we came upon the subject of school and work, and one of my uncles asked how much longer I have. Eventually, we came upon the subject of whether or not my cousin should go back for his degree. That was when my funny aunt stepped in. She yelled out "Yep, you have to. To get anywhere in this world, you need either a B.A. or B.S. Yep. Big ass or Bull Shit!" As I was laughing, she asked what degree I'm getting. I told her M.S., to which she replied "Ah... Massive Shit." Isn't family wonderful? =)

At night, I went to a wedding, where I ran into even more of my family. I must have counted at least 60 people there. During the course of the events, my uncles were trying to hook me up with this girl from temple, to which my mom seemed really interested in. Isn't it so typical in an Asian family? They're always pushing you in some way. As a kid, it's piano lessons. Throughout elementary school, it's studies. Then high school, they push you to go to college. In college, they want you to become a doctor or a lawyer. When you get a job, they push you to get married and start a family! Anyway, the girl he wants me to pursue is really nice, sincere, hard working, quite pretty, traditional, and a Buddhist. What's the problem you say? To be honest, I have no idea. In all honesty, I think part of me fears rejection. Maybe if I were taller, thinner, richer, and a doctor, I'd feel more confident. But as it is, what would a girl like that want in a guy like me? And why is a girl like that single in the first place? How do I even approach her? This same feeling of inadequacy is the same feeling that I get around MCAT girl. Funny though, around girls like my ex, L, and pretty much every girl that I'm friends with, I feel very confident. Why the qualms with these specific girls?

Anyway, I have to help a friend move tomorrow so I better be off to bed soon. One complaint that I want to make though. It seems to me that society is gradually becoming more and more idiotic. I was watching Street Smarts the other day. The girl on there was asked the question "Beijing is the capital of what country?" OK, China right? Fine, if you didn't know it, no big deal, at least you can guess an Asian country. And even if you had absolutely no idea, you'd at least guess any country right? This dumb girl goes and makes a fool of herself on national TV by guessing Hong Kong. Hello. He said country, not city. She might as well have guessed California!

It's my mom's birthday today. Happy birthday Mom! Thanks for always being there. I love you always. And tomorrow is Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there! Happy Father's Day to my Stepfather who's raised me and cared for me as a son. Happy Father's Day to all my uncles out there who all contributed in raising me to become the man I am today. And Happy Father's Day to my real dad, whom I look to always as a source of inspiration, and guidance for times when I am lost. I love you and miss you always.

My first relationship was when I was 17. Pretty young, but at the time it seemed like I was invincible. Anyway, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Since she was my first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and forgave her. It was only when I caught her with another guy that I broke up with her. She just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. But there's my point. Should I have just dumped her after the first time? How many chances is a person deserving of and how many times can you forgive? And then there's always the issue of forgiving but not forgetting. How could I possibly go on with someone when I no longer trust them?

Take L for instance. I've tried talking to her, showing her signs that I find her attractive here and there, that I enjoy her company. And yet she seems to be playing all these mind games with me. She feigns interest for awhile, then hastily leaves. One day she may totally pretend to ignore me, while another day she may scream my name out from several floors up just to get my attention. She makes sure that I see her and hear her, but will leave when she's sure she's successful in getting me to notice. Granted, I haven't seen her since school got out, but I'm sitting here with her number in front of me, and a voice beckons out to me to call her and converse. And yet at the same time, there's a force driving me back, not allowing me to pick up the phone. How much more of this can I take? I hate mind games. It feels like I'm not in control and I need that reassurance that I'm not spinning out of control. Mind games imply that she doesn't respect me as a person. And then if I call and she's too busy to talk, then what. Do I call back later? Do I forget about her? How many more times can I forgive her for running and screwing with my head? I miss MCAT girl...

Of all the relationships that I find most sweet, it's those that grow from childhood. The girl next door. Since I've always moved as a kid, I never got the chance to grow up and fall in love with anyone like that. Winnie from The Wonder Years, Joey from Dawson's Creek, Ross and Rachel. I sometimes wonder it would be like to be in that position. To totally be in love with your best friend that you've grown up with and know so well, to have her love you in return, to wake up one day and realize that she's all you've been looking for in life...

While we're on the subject of love, shouldn't that word be used more sparingly? I've seen people throw that word around too loosely. I love you. I love beer. I love the Lakers. Blah blah blah. What meaning does that word have if it can be tossed around so lightly? I gets to the point where when I hear a girl utter that, I don't believe them. It's not that I don't think they're sincere. I think they really do believe that they love whatever or whoever. But I've seen 16 years olds proclaim that they're in love. What do they know of love? When I was that age, I thought I knew, but looking back now, there was so much that I didn't know. And even in the rare cases where love is true, love is so fleeting nowadays that it holds no pertinence. A person who tells you that they love you now may not feel the same way in a year. So don't tell me you love me. Anyone can say that. Instead, show me.

So here's a question. What's the difference between being in love with someone, and loving someone? The English language doesn't successfully convey the meanings of the word love. In Vietnamese, there's a word thuong which refers to love that you have for someone, like a family member. Then there's also a word yeu, which is roughly equivalent to being in love with someone else, like a significant other. Combine the words, thuong yeu, and you get a really strong description of what I think is lacking in today's relationships. Too much emphasis is placed on material things or physical qualities. When it all comes down to it, who cares? But then again, being in love by itself is also not enough. It merely leads to infatuation. Love must develop as well, otherwise the relationship will eventually end.

I encountered this story recently about how this one man's dream turned out to be an out of body experience. And in his dream, he went searching for his soul mate. As if some spiritual or mental bond existed, he reached out across time and space and entered her dreams and started talking to her. He knew deep down in his soul that she was the one that he was destined to be with. But when he entered her dreams to talk to her, he could see that she was debating with herself about whether she should marry another man. Of course this man started trying to talk her out of it. When he woke up, it turned out to be a dream, of course, and he wasn't sure if it was really an out of body experience or a figment of his imagination. That is, until 5 years later, when he saw that same girl was at his new work. Unfortunately, after talking to her, he discovered that she was married, and had been for a little less than 5 years.

So was it a coincidence? A hoax? Or was it really something beyond our normal comprehension? By now you must be asking why is all this running through my mind? I had a dream last night. In it, I was with someone that I knew in my dream, yet in real life I don't. I remember holding her and smiling at her. We just talked and kept looking into each other's eyes. It was the sweetest dream, and eventually she just fell asleep in my arms. Once in awhile, she'd wake up and look at me, and I told her don't worry, I'll always be there for her. When I woke, up, I had no idea who she was or even what she looked like. And the dream was so real. In the course of my life, I've only had a few dreams that seemed so real that I swear I was awake. And during all those dreams, I was always with someone I knew, ranging from family and friends to Videoland Girl, MCAT Girl, and even L. So who was this new mystery girl? Was I just imagining my perfect girl, or does she really exist... out there somewhere, looking for me as well?

The Fisherman replied, "Only a little while."

The Businessman then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Fisherman said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The Businessman then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, spend time with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I have a beer and play guitar with my friends, I have a full and busy life."

The Businessman scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to the big city, then eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the Businessman replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Fisherman .

The Businessman laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

The Businessman said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, spend time with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could have a beer and play your guitar with your friends."

Anyway, now I'm back in my room up to my usual routine. It's funny how you don't realize how much you miss your home until you're gone. Why is that people long to go on vacations, and then when they're away, all the wish for is to be at home again? Kind of contradictory. But I guess it's like the saying goes, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

I always wondered what my ex's feel nowadays. Do they look at me like I'm the one that got away? Or do they think back and give a sigh of relief that we're no longer together? It's funny. When people ask me why we broke up, I usually say that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. You'd think that girls would find that attractive, as in I'm not a playa and in it for the long term, right? Sorry, no. Oddly enough, all the girls around here are just looking for a good time. I think American girls are spoiled that way. Hmm, maybe I should travel abroad and marry some mysterious foreign girl. But then again, I'd never be sure if her feelings were for me or for my money =P

So J and I had a long debate the other day as to why I'm so anti-girl lately. Am I really anti-girl? Aside from J, M, and "hot workers" guy, I really only talk to girls. My closest friend in school happens to be a girl I met my first semester there! Anyway, he agrees with my observation that girls get mad over the silliest reasons. Given the chance, they'll play with your head and totally screw you over. But he didn't agree with my generalizations. Now I must defend myself. I'm not saying all girls are bad. Far from it. I'm just stating that in my personal experiences, girls are shallow and hypocritical. For example, I was watching Elimidate. The girl on there said she was looking for a nice guy who would treat her well and would be there for her. So she sounds pretty nice and decent right? Well, then she goes and gets rid of the first guy, who was totally nice and sweet. Her reasoning afterwards was that he was too short. Can a girl be any more shallow? Hmmm, being knocked for being too nice... sounds like me.

Did I ever tell you that my ex told me I was so nice it made her feel bad, because she always felt like she was wrong in the relationship? I seriously should start being mean. Girls seem to find the bad ass guys out there attractive! It's as if because something is forbidden, it is more desirable.

I mean come on, I may joke about how pretty a girl may look, or how cute a person is, but honestly looks aren't everything. So you might be wondering what's with all the girlie pictures on my page? I won't deny that I like looking at a cute girl. Who wouldn't? But I might also point out that I usually focus only on the faces, which I find very important, rather than other "physical" features like my friend "hot workers" boy does. Heck, the girls I like aren't even "pretty." I'm sure a lot of guys would disagree with my tastes. I know people who don't think L is all that. My ex's weren't stunning. Even MCAT girl might not be pretty to certain people. See, it's just to me, they're pretty. In my eyes, they look great. After all, isn't that the way it should be?

Anyway, we continued talking about life in general. He asked why I don't go out as much as I use to. Apart from the money issue, I've found myself more content with life recently for some reason. Life shouldn't be about having what you love, but loving what you have. Pretty ironic coming from me, the electronics king of Irvine, but aside from my collection of toys, I don't seem to be bothered by much else.

I talked to my ex tonight. We talk once in a while, because I always like to keep my relationship on good terms. She was complaining about how this friend of hers was so nasty looking. How typical of her I thought. Honestly, I think her friend looks fine. And even if she did shave her eyebrows and dye her hair red, who cares? Who are we to judge? There's more to a person that mere looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

And now we come to the subject of girls. J had asked me if MCAT girl came back into my life and was single, would I still be so anti-girl? Would I go out with her? Part of me really wants to. I never fully recovered from her. But then part of me is also afraid. I think of how I've built of this impossible representation of who she is, so that the real girl wouldn't and couldn't live up to what I've created in my mind. Do I really want to subject her to that unfair judgment? One of the things we used to talk about to each other is that I think too highly of her. She felt like I made her feel too high up. Is that even possible? And on another note, how could I possibly live up to the guy she's seeing now? I seem to be confident in all things, except in matters where it comes to her. I could never be as smart or successful as him. He's a doctor. I could never bond with her religiously. He's Catholic like her. And I could never share some of those emotional ties. They are each other's firsts. In all honesty, I just wish the best for her. Knowing she's happy makes me happy. Is that weird? Am I altruistic or am I just in denial?

Which finally made me think of L. J doesn't know about L. In fact, none of my friends know about her, except for M. Am I shielding her from them or am I hiding her out of embarrassment for myself? I even entertain the thought that if I ever got into another relationship, none of my friends would ever find out. Kind of mysterious, don't you think? Anyway, I hate her mind games. If I knew how she felt, then maybe I can get a better grasp of what I should do. I tend to over think things. What if all this time, she was never interested in me and only was being nice? Maybe she only talked to me because she wanted my work? That's happened many times before, so I see no reason for this situation to be any different. It's been my experience that girls are really dense and they will not catch on that a guy likes them.

So M officially owes me $22,000. J will also owe me $3,000. They don't believe that I'll be the last to get married. They don't believe that I'll still be single when I'm 40. They don't see me as being alone. But how else can it turn out when all around me all I see are girls that are shallow, prissy, and hypocritical? Why subject myself to such emotional toying and drainage when the girl isn't worth it? I guess I'm still waiting for that certain someone to come along and change my world.

"You can't outwit fate by standing on the sidelines and placing little side bets about the outcome of life.
Either you wade in and risk everything to play the game, or you don't play at all.
And if you don't play, you can't win."