.: archives :.
 
 
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
I'm so hungry.  Why is it that I'm always craving a ton of food after tests?  Well, I took my Artificial Intelligence midterm today.  Boy was that a crazy test!  It wasn't a long test, and to be honest, the material wasn't even that bad.  But for some reason, I still thought the test sucked hairy nuts.  Sorry for my crudeness =)  Anyway, I left a whole problem blank!  I just got so frustrated, got up, turned it in, and walked out.  Oh well, too late to worry over it now.  I doubt I'll still be at the head of the class after this one!

A funny thought came into my head as I was cramming for that test today.  Here we are trying to create "artificial" intelligence, to create a machine that thinks and acts like a human being; in essence, to make it intelligent.  But if you think about, we can't even get normal people to be intelligent!  I see idiots around me all the time =)  Even then, until these machines learn to think and learn for themselves, the intelligence is still limited by the programmer in charge of creating the machine, right?

I was reading some Greek Mythology last night when I came across the story of Pandora's Box.   It's strange how so many religions share so many similar stories.  It makes me think sometimes about how possibly all religions are descended from some common event, and only the interpretations or details got changed along the way until we get the religions of today.  It just makes the violence due to religion seem even more futile.

Anyways, enough philosophical and intellectual talk.  Conversation is kind of boring when you're not talking about girls isn't it? =)   

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

I dreamt of you yet again.  Why have you come to me so often?  You were sitting there, off in your corner of the world. Alone.  Then he came in.  He asked you when you were free.  And then you looked at me, your eyes crying out for me.  You wanted me to come and rescue you, to come and tell you that I've fallen for you, that I care.  But I didn't.  I just looked at you, as you looked at me.  Two lost souls reaching out to each other, yet neither willing to make the move.

What do you do and how do you feel when someone you haven't spoken too in years suddenly steps back into your life?  Do you feel joy at the fact that they still think of you, that you're still important enough for them to contact you after all this time?  Or do you feel anger at the fact that they've let all this time slip by without keeping in touch?

I've noticed a trend lately.  It seems the new fashion in female attire is see-through.  Every where I go, I see see-through tops, revealing all these different varieties of bras.  I asked one of my female friends about this, and she said yeah, showing off the bra is the in thing now.  She asked me what I thought about it, and while I admitted that it looked very sexy and appealing, I wouldn't want to see any of my loved ones wearing such an outfit.  Isn't that how it always is?  On the outside, all guys will look at sexy outfits, but we wouldn't want any of our girlfriends' wearing such things.  I remember when my ex used to wear things that I didn't particularly like.  I'm not the type of person to say what my girl can or can't do, but she knew how I felt about such things.  Unfortunately, she still went about her own business.  Was that a sign?  The girl I was dating was more concerned about having fun than my own feelings? 

So I'm sitting here at my desk, and though I should be busy studying or resting for my big midterm tomorrow, I can't seem to find the motivation for either.  Artificial Intelligence is a hard subject, and this session's been really kicking my butt.  To my utter surprise, I found out that I'm leading the class, even ahead of the usual elite Programming Team members.  Feels kind of good showing those guys whose boss, cause they're usually so cocky! =)  Anyway, it won't last though, cause this test tomorrow involves proofs, my weak point, and then there's always the fact that I feel tired and stretched.  I'm dying for a break in school!

Just wanted to wish a very happy birthday to my weegee of a sister!
Sunday, July 28, 2002
They say that males and females are different, and it's something that I'll obviously never understand.  Take pride for example.  It seems to me that a girl will never admit that she's wrong.  Let's say that a girl screws up and cheats on her boyfriend.  Most guys, if they really care for the girl, are bound to forgive her and accept her back.  The relationship may suffer strain, but there's at least an effort to mend what has been broken.  On the other hand, if a guy screws up, the girl will never forgive him.  Whether it's a sense of pride or just mistrust, she'll never accept him back.  Let's take it even a step further.  If a guy breaks up with a girl and later regrets it, he'll come back begging to be given another chance.  Yet if a girl ends the relationship, she'll keep it that way, no matter how much she may regret of pin for her lost love.  Instead of coming back to him and saying "Maybe I was wrong about us", and trying over, she'd rather let him slip out of her life.  Now why is that?  It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.  To just let the love of your life walk out of your life and regret it is something I'll never comprehend.

Love is a funny thing.  You can plan all you want... I want a Vietnamese girl, I want a traditional girl, I want a Buddhist.  Yet for all my cares and all my desires, I'm still helpless in when it comes to falling for a girl.  Tomorrow a Chinese Catholic girl may come knocking at my door, take my breath away, and change my world forever.  Planning for love is futile.  It's as if there's some preordained destiny that makes me fall for someone, despite my biases and prejudices.  That's why love is so unpredictable and yet so wonderful at the same time.

So I finished reading Lord of the Rings yet again.  You would think that thousands of pages of reading would be tedious, yet I find myself with the constant desire to immerse myself in that world.  Each time that I finish, a feeling of deep depression, anxiety, and angst fills my heart.  I can't really say why I always feel so down, but I think it's the realization that it's over.  After such a long period of time, after falling in love with the characters and the story, there's a sense of finality to it all.  It's the knowledge that all things must end that really gets me sad. It gets me thinking of my own life.  One day, in many years to come, my life too will be totally changed.  All that I've grown to love, all those that I've known over the years, all my experiences and my treasured thoughts, will be just distant memories.  I'll be old, and loved ones will be long gone, leaving me with nothing but happy memories.  It's one of the greatest pains in life, knowing that all you love will be taken away from you, so that you leave the world the same way you came into it, naked and crying.

I dreamt of you last night.  I don't remember much of what we did or what was said, and yet I know that you were there to be with me.  Nothing perverted, nothing wild.  It was peaceful, simple, tranquil...I put my arms around you, shielding you from the world, protecting you as I brought you closer into my soul.  I saw you for who you were,  I saw your vulnerabilities, your passions, the side of you which lay shielded to the world, a side you would never let me see.  I wonder.  Do you dream of me?  Do you know the anguish of waking up from a dream that you wished were real?  A dream so pleasant that I know it can't possibly be real, that in actuality a moment would still not compare to the dream?  My dreams have become both a source of happiness and sorrow.   A fantasy that I could never get.  Would it be better if I never dreamed of you?
Thursday, July 25, 2002
I don't remember where, but I came across the quote that stated "Life is what passes by while you're busy planning for the future" or something along that line.  I love it, for it describes so many of us so well.  How many people out there are so busy with work and wrapped up in their lives that they don't get the chance to enjoy it?  "No one on their death bed ever wished that they spent more time at the office," I heard.  That's why I'm always content with life, despite how others may be bored.  Where others may prefer going to a club for a beer, I enjoy reading a good book as I sit in my backyard listening to the sound of running water as it falls into my pond.  The simple things... 

If you had the chance to go back in time and do things differently, would you?  Even though hindsight is everything, it should also be noted that all of our experiences mold us into who we are.  Would you risk changing something in the past, knowing that you might turn out differently?  Of course if you have regrets of just don't like who you are, then I guess this question is easy.  For the rest of us, it's really a difficult choice once you think about it.  As for me, I've always wondered what it would be like if I never went to UCI.  Would my life turn out the same as it has?  Would I have met the same people?  I know now that I really wasn't meant for medicine, and that my talent lies in computer science, but would I still have the same desire to succeed that I do today if I had gone straight into CS instead of going back to school?  If I had indeed gone to Stanford or even Harvard, would I have stuck it out in medicine?  After all, far away from the pressures of family and friends, and at schools that actually teach, I might have learned to like what I now despise.  Would my talents remain unrecognized, or is there some force out there that draws out our best ability and drives us to what we're meant to do?

They say only through hardships will you learn what you're really good at.  It's funny sometimes when I think back as a kid, looking at adults.  They seemed to know everything.  How on earth can a mechanic just listen to a car and know what's wrong, or how can a doctor tell you what's wrong with you by just staring into your eyes.  I always worried that I would be unable to be as quick or know so much.  Of course I still have along way to go, but I must say it's a tremendous feeling to be able to look at piece of code or a logic problem and be able to tell what the problem is.  It's as if the answer is shining out at me, answers that others aren't noticing or just fail to see, and others are amazed at my speed and success.  Now speed doesn't exactly mean quality, but it's still a great feeling nonetheless.

I walked out of class feeling pretty good today.  Our first week's projects were due, and the majority of class were no where near finished.  There were 4 parts, and I think most people were lucky to finish 2.  Of course the usual elite programming team guys finished, but it was still a good feeling knowing that I was one of the few that stood my ground.  There's this one guy that's really arrogant, and a lot of people don't like him, which gave me a grin when I managed to solve solutions that he could not.  Still, this class bites hard, and I'm really worried about the midterm.  I hate proofs.  Can't do them if my life depended on it.  I'm wondering if I suffer needlessly, because I could always drop this pain of a class and take something more suited with my interests during the year at a slower pace.  Anyway, I'm holding off on deciding whether or not to drop the class until after the midterm next week.  I'm mentally exhausted right now!

The drive home takes me close to Disneyland, and over the past few nights, I've been able to catch their fireworks show as I drive on the freeway.  Something about the beauty and splendor of seeing bright fire light up the sky in magnificent colors totally brings a smile to my face.  It makes me feel like a kid again.  It got me thinking how some things can only be seen in person to truly appreciate its beauty.  Just like how pictures will never be able to catch the power of seeing live fireworks,  pictures fail to express the feeling you get when you witness a golden sunset, a trickling waterfall, or even the smile of the one you love.  Some things are so beautiful that once they're gone, no words or pictures can successfully convey the what the eye has just seen.  Something is always lost, and all you're left with are fond memories.
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
So did you all enjoy yourselves over the weekend?  The end of the week is a funny time for me.  Days pass at a time and yet I can't seem to remember anything that I did.  Was I not productive?  Was my life not memorable?  Or am I just going senile?  Old age is finally catching up to me it seems!  It's sad because throughout the day, I know that I think of things to write about, and yet as I'm sitting here, my mind comes to a complete blank!

One thing that I have definitely been busy with is my Artificial Intelligence class.  Talk about difficult!  I've probably spent that past 48 hours doing nothing but sleep, eat, drive, and code, and yet I've only just finished now.  Maybe it's a new language, maybe it's the fact that my professor comes from UCI and therefore can't teach =)  Either way, I've spent more time on this class than I intended and now I'm exhausted!

I have to admit that I'm astonished that there's actually cute girls in this class.  I've been in the Computer Science department for over a year, and the guy to girl ratio is always like 30 to 5.  Obviously this leads to a problem if you want to approach a girl.  So these girls ask me questions, which is cool.  But that got me thinking, would anyone even talk to me if I weren't good at what I do?  Everyone tells me that if I'm having this much trouble with the class, others must be getting slaughtered.  All this leads to my paranoia, and makes me second guess the sincerity of people.

If you really think about it though, attraction in society  is usually based on some external factor.  She's pretty.  He's cute.  He's rich.  She's smart.  It's always something that draws you to someone.  Despite what some movies or books would like to have us believe, love doesn't just sprout wings out of nowhere.  In those rare cases of love at first sight, or where there is some spiritual or emotional bond, then those people involved are just plain lucky.  For the rest of us, we have to resort to looking for features that we find admirable.  Therefore, is it such a bad thing that a girl likes me just for my code?  Rather than doubting her and suspecting her of using me, could I not just accept the fact that she finds success appealing and is really interest in me???  Nah, I'm a pessimist! She just wants my code and nothing more =)

So I'm watching MIB2, and there's a line in there... "Silly little planet, you could rule the place with the right set of mammary glands."  It's true though.  What is this fixation with breasts in our society?  What happened to the Aborigines or tribesmen that used to walk around with their breasts uncovered?  They never seemed to get turned by nipples.  M and I discussed this, and personally, I think all the excitement is due to mere taboo and because they're always covered.  I mean if they were always exposed, would men really care?  By that same logic, if society forced us to wear gloves since birth, I'm sure there would be a huge porn industry focusing on the hands.  You'd hear guys running around going, "Oh, fingers, fingers!"  Personally, I never saw the need for big anyway, and find B's more attractive than D's.  The hands can only hold so much =)  But besides, when it all comes down to it, if you really love someone, they're beautiful to you no matter what, both on the inside and on the outside.
Thursday, July 18, 2002

How many of you guys out there would date an older woman?  Or how many of you girls out there would date a younger guy?  I know I've always dated younger girls, and they eventually the relationship ended because they were too immature and weren't ready to commit.  Sometimes I wonder if it's better to date and older woman than.  After all, she's probably more mature and more willing to put in the effort to commit.  Then again, age is a just a number.  Older woman can be immature, and younger girls can be mature for their age.  I guess I'm still looking for someone who'll take me seriously.

I was talking with M today about how hard I am.  Picky, that is, when it comes to females.  Let me give you the run down.  My uncle is trying to set me up with some girl at his temple.  She's sweet, pretty, traditional, and a Buddhist.  It seems perfect, yet for some reason I don't choose to make a move or even the effort to get to know her.  Something's missing. Can it be that I'm so emotionally drained that I'm not ready to get into another relationship?  Has my heart truly healed to the point where I want to take another risk?  Am I still infatuated with a certain person out there?

I think I'm waiting for a sign.  A girl that will walk into room one day, and bammm! I realize that she's the one.  My soul mate, the one that I could fall for.  I don't really see a reason to put my heart at risk, especially for someone who's not worth it.  Picky, I know.  It's just that I know I'm capable of giving so much that I'm tired of of putting so much into the relationship only to get it thrown back in my face.

I'm not a healthy guy.  I could bench press my own weight but emotionally, I'm messed up.  I still talk to my ex.  Actually both ex's.  I still pin and regret over decisions I made that have long passed.  I'm attached to a certain person and I seem to refuse to move on.  Am I just masochistic?

Girls are prissy.  When a guy gives her freedom and doesn't care who she's  with or what she does, she will complain about how he's not caring enough.  And yet if a guy cares, then she feels like he's overly protective and desires space.  Damned if we do and damned if we don't I tell you!
Wednesday, July 17, 2002

What the f*ck is wrong with the word nowadays?  If it isn't crazy fanatics killing each other half way across the world, then it's some perverted psychopath that kidnaps and rapes a five year old girl from her own driveway.  Is it me or is does it seem like society is spiraling out of control, growing worse and worse each day?  It's a wonder why I don't feel like having kids sometimes.  Why bother bringing someone you love into this world, only to expose them to such unnecessary pain and grief?

You've all heard about that maniac right?  Personally, if I were on the jury that decided his fate, I'd hang him.  And I don't mean by the head either.  Mob and lynch the guy, because someone like that isn't human and doesn't deserve to be treated with any respect!  I hate to be mean but people like that bring out the worst in me.  It saddens me so much to know that there are such people in the world.

Sometimes I feel like life as we know it is really Hell, and that after serving our time here, we're off to a better place.  I mean after all, what is there in life that doesn't cause pain?  Even love leads to pain, because one day you'll have to lose all that you love.  You leave the world the same way you came into it, crying and empty handed.   As a Buddhist, I'm supposed to try to live life not longing for anything.  Pain comes from desire and the inability to hold onto anything.  Of course that's so much easier said than done.  How could I now love my family and friends? 

What kind of world would it be though if there were no evil?  How could we define what is good if there is no direct opposite?  Can hot be described without cold?  Love without hate?  I hate to say it, but without the lowlifes of society, we would never have heroes either.  Life's unfair that way.  Either be stuck in the middle with no variation, or have to accept two extremes.

I've been drawing a lot lately, both inside the computer and by hand.  Maybe it's a good way to relieve my sorrows and anger with the world.  Quiet me time.  I've always had a knack for drawing, though I never really put out the time for developing it.  It's funny.  I can do a lot of things, but I'm not really outstanding in any one field.  People tell me I am, but I refuse to believe them.  Call it modesty or what you will, but isn't there always someone out there better than you, right?  But anyway, my point is this.  Is it better to a master of all trades yet never excel in one area?  Or is it better to be the best you can in that one area of expertise?  Which do you girls look for in a guy?  I don't think there are any modern day Renaissance Men any more, are there?  Someone who excels at everything?  I'd sure like to meet and learn from him...
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
So I started my Artificial Intelligence class this week.  I can't believe I'm taking yet another session of school.  What ever happened to the good old days when summer meant a relaxing break?  Anyway, I'm sitting here in class, and the professor is saying something about attacking a problem and being motivated to solve the unsolvable.  Unfortunately, though I heard what he said, my eyes were fixated on the girl across from me.  I started to laugh of course, because if I took his advice, I'd be tackle the problem of how to approach her! =)  It's funny though, that in a class of 40, there's only 5 girls.  Only two seem mildly attractive, and of that, only the one would even seem my type.  Granted I know nothing of her though, so maybe even she's not my type!  That's life in Computer Science for you.

I find it funny that my rule of one still applies.  For those of you who don't know, it's my belief that in every class I'm in, there's at least one girl that's cute.  Now I don't know if it's me being desperate or not, but that rule has never failed me.  Then again, it could be that I know I'll be stuck in class for the next couple of hours so I better pick out something pleasant to watch.  Thus, though she might not be cute, she's the cutest one there, which will have to do.  Shallow?  Of course.  But it's all in good fun.  I'd never date anyone anyway...

Speaking of dating, I've noticed that there's a lot of jungle fever going around lately, at least in Southern California.  I guess it's the openness of being in LA that lowers people's inhibitions about interracial dating.  I see nothing wrong with it.  It's all fine with me, and in fact my first girlfriend was Chinese.  But now I can't help but feel like I'm losing out.  By not dating outside Asians, or actually outside Vietnamese for that matter, I'm alienating a lot of wonderful girls out there by not even giving them the chance.  And since they're dating more and more, the pool of available girls is growing smaller and smaller.  Perhaps I should stop being so unbelievably picky and just forget my MCAT/USC fixation!  Yeah right, like that'll be the day!

I always thought that I could give my ex another chance, but forgiving is one thing, how do you forget?  I've forgiven her and I talk to her occasionally.  But I still haven't forgotten how much pain she caused me.  Anyway, I had a talk with a friend the other day about the past and about regrets. She's thinking about going back to her ex.  Why would she do that?  Don't you realize that you broke up with him for a reason?  People don't change.  Despite all your optimistic beliefs in the world, very few people actually change.  Trust me, I know how guys think.  So why would you ever go back to a jerk for?  Take your breaking up as a sign and be glad that you're out.  Don't go diving back head first. 

Anyway, I was reading Asimov's story Lest We Remember.  Basically, there's the belief that the human brain is capable of infinite knowledge, and that our memory lapses and forgetfulness is due to inhibitors in the brain that act to slow down the retrieval process.  Now the story is basically about the consequences of removing such inhibitors and realizing that you remember everything ever told to you.  Now would that make you intelligent?  I don't think memorizing something makes one intelligent.  Perfect recall does not imply a high IQ.  So what does?

Back to AI.  I got to thinking, what constitutes intelligence?  I remember learning somewhere that Shakespeare is considered to be one of the top five intellectuals of all time.  Personally, I find such a generalization ridiculous.  Sure, Shakespeare may be a genius with the written word and prose, but he don't know jack when it comes to the difference between a positron and a proton.  And Einstein may be the most brilliant Physicists ever, but I doubt he can write in iambic pentameter with such elegance or grace.  Intelligence it seems is much like beauty... that is it's in the eye of the beholder.  So don't just call me intelligent.  Also call me creative or resourceful.  That then is a compliment =)

M asked me the one word that I would like to be called.  After thinking a bit, I told him "Sweet."  Now I know girls don't like sweet, and sweet isn't going to make me rich or successful.  But there's more important things in life, and if I were to die and be remembered as the sweetest guy, I'd be happy =)

Good night MCAT girl!

Sunday, July 14, 2002
I had a nice long talk with my friend recently and I got to wondering how unfair it is that I can talk to any girl for a prolonged period of time without any pauses or moments of awkwardness, and yet when I'm talking to a girl that I'm interested in, I get tongue tied.  I'm consciously aware of my tongue and how I can't seem to utter a word with any coherency or clarity.  My mouth dries up and my heart starts to race!  Isn't that how it always is?  You're very comfortable around your friends, but that significant other can really screw with your head! 

So is there such a thing as a platonic friendship?  I mean I have friends that are female, but none that I'd hang out with consistently like M or J.  I guess Z is a girl, but I treat her like one of the guys so that doesn't count, does it?  I remember fights that my ex and I used to get into because she thought nothing of all the guys that used to hit on her.  Some fool actually used the line "Can I be your big brother?" and she fell for it!  Was she being naive or was I paranoid?  After all, I am a guy, so I know how the male psyche works.  No guy just walks up to a girl and says that without having some ulterior motive!

It's a funny when you sit down and think about how many faces you portray to the world.  At school, I'm a confident, almost cocky, know it all.  I know I'm good. With my beloved MCAT girl, I'm the nervous stumbling high school nerd falling in love from a distance, always too shy to make a move.  With my friends, I'm the relaxed guy that never lets anything really bother him.  And with my family, I'm the son that's never truly good enough, wasting my potential.  How different would everything be if I can switch my personalities around?  Somehow, I don't think I'll ever be confident and cocky around my dearest...

Love would be so much easier if we could all just walk around with the name of the person whom we're attracted to attached to our foreheads.  No needless mind games.  It's like you can finally go up to a girl and say, "Hey, I like you!"  How easy would that be?

What's up with a girl that swears?  I was out with family today eating Korean BBQ and I see this incredibly pretty girl sitting with someone who must have been her date. I'll be honest, this girl was so pretty that I'd easily rate her a 9 on pure looks, and everyone always says I'm extremely picky so that's saying a lot.  (MCAT girl was a 10 by the way). Anyway, I'm there in line getting my food and I see them out of the corner of my eye.  He was eating an orange and I guess the juice must have squirted her, because she blurted out "f*cker!"   Not jokingly either.  Now I don't know about you, but that was a kind of over the top for something that trivial.  Needless to say, her personality was a major turnoff, more important than looks, so now she's only a 5!

I had to go to UCLA today to picky up my sis.  I hate LA traffic.  So I get there with lots of time left, giving me the opportunity to wander the school.  I don't like UCLA for personal reasons, but I must admit that the campus looked pretty cool.  The architecture was amazing, reminding me of the IVY league schools, or USC, with years of tradition.  Stone walls, stained glass windows, clock towers, etc.  It really looked like a village, a place of education.  UCI on the other hand looks like a community college with a park in the middle! =P 

So why is that you can forget what someone looks like when you're awake, yet see them perfectly clear in your dreams, only to forget again when you wake up?  I haven't seen or spoken to her in years.  I've forgotten her face and the sound of her voice.  Yet in my dreams, I see her so clearly.  The smile on her face, the twinkle in her eyes, the gleam of light reflecting off her hair as she walks.  It's so real.  Everything permeates my senses, and yet when I wake up, I have no memory of anything except that I was there.  Life's cruel sometimes.
Sunday, July 7, 2002

I'm severely depressed.  Don't ask me why, but I decided to watch Titanic tonight before going to bed.  As usual, watching it brought back a rush of memories.  A floodgate of emotions has been let loose and I don't have any way of controlling them.  I remember back to the time when we had just met.  A smile here, a glance there.  It seemed like I had been reborn.  I felt feelings I never knew I could feel.  Even today, now when years have passed and we've gone our separate ways, thinking of you always makes me sad.  How you've forever touched my heart and scarred my soul.  What might have been?  What could have been?  A wrong place, a wrong time, an unwilling spirit.  Do you know what it's like to love someone and not be able to tell anyone?  Fear of ridicule.  Fear of gossip.  To live a secret, to live a lie?  How can anyone possibly explain how my feelings for you have grown despite never seeing your face or hearing your voice?  How could I have kept you so deep in my heart when others have come and gone, and others still come and go?   If I sent you flowers with no name, would you know that it was me?  If I dedicated a song to you, would you know who it's from?  If you woke up one day and asked yourself if anyone out there loves you, would you think of me? 
Saturday, July 6, 2002
I can't believe it's July already!  It seems like summer is supposed to be my time to relax, and yet I haven't had time to do all that I've wanted!  Hence the lack of updates lately.  Combine my list of ambitions with my laziness, and a very addicting game of Civilation, and you get something so contradictory that many things are partially completed but nothing is fully complete! 

First off, I hope you all had a wonderful July 4th!  I spent the time with family.  As usual, I was designated with the responsibility of heading of the barbeque.  Why is that people have to come look at the meat as it's grilling, coaching you as to what's ready and what's not?  I mean they rush me to get the food, so that when I say the meat is undercooked, they don't listen.  It isn't until a few minutes later when they bring it back that I can say "Ha, I told you so!"

Being around family is a weird time.  You start to feel your age.  You see how fast the years have passed by and then you start thinking what a waste your life has been so far.  And all the ranting and nagging really start taking their toll.   I don't know if my family realizes it, but all the pressure and the talk have made me feel quite inadequate.  In many ways, I may smile and act like a confident individual, but how much of that is to try and make myself feel better?  Deep down I still feel like a failure.  In so many ways I'm not what everyone intended me to be.  And all their pushing in one way or another, whether it be in school, love, or life,  has only served to lower my self esteem.  It's just not fair sometimes.  A lot of people would see me for the great person that I am, but my family sees for the person that I'm not. 

I've been really busy with school lately.  This computer graphics course which I'm enrolled has been kicking me in the butt!  Don't get me wrong, I'm doing quite well in it, and it's a very fun class, but the class is one of the more difficult classes I've taken.  I like the challenge though. One thing that made me feel good is that when people look at my work, they comment on how creative I am.  For some reason, I've always taken being called creative as a major compliment.  And when I'm logical and can solve problems, I feel proud.  Yet I've never been pleased when I'm called smart, or intelligent.  What the hell does the ability to memorize something have to do with someone's intelligence?  So some freak out there can memorize the entire dictionary, or all elements of the periodic table, or the all the amino acids produced by the body.  Does that mean he's smart?  What good is knowledge is it isn't put to use?  I know a lot of "smart" people whom I have no respect for, because to me, they are simply unintelligent!

I had a talk recently about the meaning of fate and the reasons why people meet.  What is fate?  Do you think that you are "destined" to meet a certain person?  I met a friend at UCI.  And yet what if I hadn't chosen UCI for my undergraduate?  Would we still would have met?   I might have chosen UCSD, UC Berkley, or Stanford.  I asked her and she would have chosen UCSD as well.  So would we still probably would have been friends.  Is that destiny? 

Here is another case: My beloved MCAT girl and I were born in the same city.  Same birth month.  We grew up in the same places, moved to the same cities.  She went  to USC and I went to UCI. We had never met, and yet somehow we both take an MCAT prep course in Orange County with the same company, same time, and same semester. 

Granted, this may be just mere coincidence, but that's not my point.  I'm just wondering if somewhere somehow, there's this great big plan as to who we're supposed to meet and become friends with.  Or if not, what about the people that missed out on because of one choice or another?  Fate can only take you so far.  It's up to you to make the move, isn't it?

As I'm sitting here typing away my thoughts, I contemplate about my life.  In many ways, I'm very infantile.  A romantic.  I still dream of the fairy tales and fantasize about far off places.  I enjoy the finer things in life.   Watching Transformers or playing Nintendo or Monopoly still brings a smile to my face.  In these fast paced times when people are so caught up in life, they fail to take a step back and enjoy things.  After all, isn't life about the journey, and not the destination?  I think that's why I'm still single though.  Girls don't like infantile.  They like exciting.  Mysterious.  The manly man.