I find myself overly tired lately. Sleepy, as if my life is in a daze. I don't think it's anything physical. I'm lifting more than I've done in a long time. Instead, I find myself mentally and emotionally drained. I need a nice break, not just for the body, but for the mind. I feel really bad too, because the e-mails have been piling up and I've yet to respond to any of them. Don't worry, I know who you all are and will try to write back soon! I have Finals this week, and I can't wait to get it over with. This was a class I didn't need to take and I'm definitely paying for it.

Crossing the line Between just friends or love of mine. Hold me tonight, And lead me to the other side. .: Trish :. ... Crossing Over ...	Cause if you only knew, for you, All that I do. I'd give it all away, To have you in my life always. .: Trish :. ... If You Only Knew ...

Trish's new CD came out last Friday. OMG, it totally rocks! Her vocal talent and song writing skills are getting better and better with each album she releases. In fact, I prefer her original compositions rather than remade songs. Her lyrics are so much more mature and emotional. Like always, her voice is so pleasant and sweet. Distinctive. If I were to go deaf, her voice would be one of the things I'd miss hearing the most. And she's so cute too! It should be illegal for any girl to be that cute. And one of the most friendly and personable people I've ever met. Some girls just have the entire package.

A lot of her songs have special meaning to me, As I was going through my last breakup, I repeatedly listened to Ichiban and Don't Know Why. As I grew close to a certain someone, I'll Dream of You had particular significance. And now as I find myself in new circumstances, songs such as Crossing Over, Only Time Will Tell, and If You Only Knew seem like they're about my life. I find myself so torn.

I had a talk with a friend the other day, about religious and cultural differences in relationships. She told me that I should keep an open mind, and not let religion get in the way of a good thing. It kind of hit me, because back in high school, I was very open minded. Way more liberal and carefree. I would do things that I would never do now. What happened? What changed in my life that made me narrow my viewpoints?

I wonder if all my hesitation and excuses not to make a move are valid? Do I really find certain attributes undesirable, or am I just looking for flaws in every girl regardless, fearing another heart break? Relationships are about compromise after all, and I know many that work through problems that seem unsolvable to achieve a very satisfying relationship. What should I do? It seems like there are two voices in my head, two sides to the argument, and neither side can convince me on what to do.

So it seems like I'm always down and that I bag on girls a lot. So to be fair, let me tell you this story of that I thought was pretty sweet. It was my 18th birthday, and my girlfriend at the time had gotten me this picture of a little boy praying before bed. The gift in itself was nice, but that wasn't what made it special. It turns out that months before, while were reading a magazine together, I pointed it out to her that I used to have that picture when I was like 5. My parents had gotten it for me, and I must have lost it during all our moving trips. Somehow, she got a hold of one and gave it to me as a gift. The fact that she remembered and put thought into a gift meant more than any material value the picture may have been worth. I don't have a lot of what she gave me anymore, but that picture is still in my closet, stored nice and safe.

When I think of relationships, I think back of all the little signs that I got when I was with my last girlfriend. I feel the measure of a relationship lies not within the major events but shows its true face during the normal times. Any fool can buy a gift on Christmas or throw a birthday party. But it's the little things that show the true spirit of the relationship. Showing interest. Care. Sincerity. The sum of all the little things add up to mean so much more than anything else. I remember that we'd use to talk, but at times she would seem bored or disinterested in what I had to say. One time in particular, she flat out stated that she didn't care. Signs like that were ignored by me and I would always forgive her. Love is blind, and it isn't until later that I remember all these subtleties.

Remembering back to these pains just serves to make me feel more weary. I'm almost afraid of starting a new relationship, for my heart can only take so much.

How many of you have been faced with a decision that you didn't know what to do about? That life is so uncertain is what makes it so difficult. Then again, that it will never come again is what makes life so precious. Sometimes I like to rationalize my behaviors, but when it comes down to it, I'm still uncertain about what I should do. I'm torn.

My entries have been kind of down lately, so let me tell you about a funny thing that happened to me today. My parents had asked me to go down to Long Beach to pick up this item for them. Unfortunately, the directions they gave me were severely inadequate, and somehow I ended up driving into the Long Beach harbor! Now that wasn't the worst part. Being around ships and ports, I can handle. But for anyone who knows me well, then they know I have a mild case of acrophobia. Even watching Spider-Man swinging back and forth gives me a sense of vertigo! So what happens is that I'm driving towards LB, and the directions say to follow the exit towards the terminal exit. I follow it, and it leads me onto the bridge connecting Long Beach and San Pedro! It's that bridge you see in "Gone in 60 Seconds." This thing is huge, it's long, and it's high. Right when I saw it, I thought to myself "Heeeeyyyylllll no!!!!" Obviously I can't U-turn so I have to just drive through. I was tense all over, my hands sweaty as can be, and my head was spinning out of control. I managed to make it though by staring straight down at the road, not even glimpsing to the side. When I made it through, I realized a cop was behind me. It didn't matter though, because my speed was already slow as can be! He passed and I continued driving on. By now I was all freaked, so at the first light I could, I pulled a U, even though it was illegal. And then I had to go back over the bridge to return! Finally I made it to my destination, which turned out to be no where near the ports. What an experience. My hands are sweaty just thinking about it now! =)

It's not that I'm scared to death of heights. I like flying. I've been on roller coasters. I looked down from skyscrapers. But I always get that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and then my hands start to glisten. Funny isn't it? Mild case indeed!

How many of you are first generation? My parents came here from Vietnam, and so I'm the first generation growing up in America. It's kind of frustrating sometimes. No matter how much you try, you can never really fit into either culture now. I went back to visit Vietnam a few years, and to them I was an outsider, an exotic. A tourist. And here, sometimes I get the feeling that despite all the cries of equality and civil rights, I'll never be seen as an American. There will always be that Vietnamese-American aspect of things. I'm ok with that, because it makes me unique, but then it makes it harder to find a girl =) I don't want a total fresh of the boat girl, but I don't want a white wash either, pardon the terms. My friend says I'm picky, that the right girl is right beneath my nose and I don't do anything! Maybe, maybe not. Then again, maybe I already found her but I let her go...

I think my turtle ate my smallest feeder goldfish. Poor thing. At least all the other fish are ok, and the Koi seem to be doing well. Hopefully all will go well from now on.

Trish's CD is supposed to come out Friday! Here's keeping my fingers crossed.

I wonder what people think when they look at me. Do people really know who I am? It's staggering when I think of all the different personas that I am to everyone else. A son, a brother, a friend, and enemy, a dream, a nightmare... But who am I really? If we define ourselves differently towards different people, then what is the real us? I sit and wonder sometimes what my friends know about me. I mean really know, and not just mere superficial. Do any of them really know what makes me tick? My desires, my passions, what makes me happy, what makes me sad?

Have you ever dreamed something, only to have it come true when you wake up? Whenever that happens to me, I start to think that there's so much to the world we don't know, that we can't even comprehend. Greater forces unseen. Here we are busy with our daily lives, gloating with over-inflated egos as to our intelligence. But what do we really know? What does a single cell know about the greater world? What does a fish know of the desert? What does a bee know of space?

I had a long day at school today. The professor is nice and very dedicated, the concepts aren't too hard, and the material isn't to boring. And yet I find myself totally lacking any motivation. I sit here staring at the screen, wondering what it is that I'm looking for.

I thought about you again. If there is such a thing as soul mates and reincarnation, how many lifetimes have I spent looking for you? How many more lifetimes must pass before we're finally together? Is all this just a test so that we can truly appreciate the beauty that is love? Whoever said "It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" must never have loved you...

How would you live life if you knew you only had 24 hours left? What about 1 week left? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years? If we knew we only had a little time, wouldn't we live it to its fullest? Why is it that with 24 hours left, we live, yet with 10 years left we plan? Why are so many of us are so busy with our daily routines to live life to its fullest? After all, why waste today planning for tomorrow? You never know what tomorrow brings anyway, so you might as well take a step back and enjoy everything around you.

What would you say to a loved one if you knew that you'd never see them again? I've faced death before, but I still shudder at the thought of having to say goodbye. How can words possibly state how I feel about the person?

My thoughts and condolences go out to Chick's family We'll all miss him...

At his point, I'm seriously regretting taking this AI class. It's not that it's too demanding, but I'm just not in the mood to try. I'm not interested. I'm challenged, but it's more a matter of tedium than it is fun. And to make matters worse, this class leads right into the normal semester, which means I'm going into a new year and new graduate level courses on an empty tank of gas. Definitely something I'm not looking forward to.

I've just spent all day coming up with solutions for my programs due tomorrow, and whether it's due to lack of motivation or a mental lapse in thinking, I haven't been able to figure it out. It's late, even for me, so I'll just keep this entry short today.

"If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you... I'd have a nickel." How true.

I spent the past 24 hours making invitations for my aunt's wedding. Sure she could've gotten them printed at some shop, but I think it's more meaningful this way. Invitations hand made with care. Translucent vellum, lace ribbons, hand tied bows, and accented scriptures. It gives it that loving touch. After all my aunt's done for me, it's the least I could.

It's hard being the dependable one. The respectable one. The one that everyone looks to for answers, and yet I have none to give. Is it harder to depend on someone else or to be depended upon? Have you ever asked someone for a favor, but at the same time you feel like you're annoying them? Like you're being a nuisance to them, and they really don't want to help you. At face value, they're being polite yet deep down they're cursing you? I've had that feeling on occasion. To be honest, I don't like asking for favors. I rarely do it. Yet when I do, I don't get that sense of assurance, like that person is gladly willing to help. It's strange, especially since the person I expected to stand by my side was the one that give me this feeling, yet those that I wouldn't expect anything from were there with willing arms. It's a good measure of a relationship, I think, when you know you can depend on someone. Maybe that was a sign that I should have seen...

Speaking of dependencies, if someone called on you to do something, would you trust that deed to others? I find myself being the type of person who'll work to the best of my ability rather than passing it on to someone else. Sometimes I think it's because I'm vain and that I want all the credit. And yet at the same time, I rarely if ever try to boast about my deeds. I hate showing off. To me it's a sign of insecurity, like you're always out to prove yourself. I have nothing to prove. Instead, I let my actions speak for themselves. So then I realize that my desire to take on huge tasks all by myself is not due to some misguided attempt at vanity. I like the rewards of making others happy, knowing that you had something to do with their happiness. Instead, it seems to be a lack of trust, a lack of faith. I don't believe anyone else can get the job done, that deep down, if I don't do it, then the person will be disappointed because no one else can properly do it. I'd feel guilty if someone else did it, because I knew I could do better. Hmmm, I guess that's still a form of vanity after all.

I'm still trying to figure out the reason for my despondence. Did something happen that shook my outlook on life? Did a realization come to me, like a moment of clarity, as to the futility of it all? My life right now seems like a series of endless incidents, drawn together by some common thread. It doesn't feel like it has purpose, as if it's just a procession of events that doesn't really lead anywhere. I sat there today overlooking my pond, watching the waves trickle by. It was quiet, peaceful, and full of tranquility. I felt so incomplete. Maybe if I can find what's lacking in my life, I can feel whole again.

I for one know how to be reasonable. Let's be realistic. My past girlfriends weren't what I'd call beautiful or hot or any other term. But to me, there were beautiful, and isn't that what counts? Besides, it's just looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and eventually, all beauty fades and there better be something there to back it up. Thus, I would never go out with a girl purely based on looks, and you can hold me to my word on that. There has to always be more.

I find it funny that a girl will never believe you when you tell her that she's pretty. You can tell her that she's beautiful day in and day out, and she'll never believe in your sincerity. If she asks your opinion on another girl, and you reply "Not as pretty as you," she'll look at you like you're crazy. But the minute you stop telling her these things, she gets upset. So either way, you're screwed!

I have this belief that all the girls that I'm looking for aren't local. My ideal soul mate is not someone who grew up here in the States. Why? It's the society we've grown up in. Girls that grow up in this generation and in this country are spoiled and prissy. I'm sorry to say it, but if it's basic values and personality that I'm looking for, I'm probably better off looking for some fresh of the boat person instead of a girl raised over here. I'm not looking for a girl only concerned with having a good time or worried over if her fashion is in style. I'm looking for a girl with sincerity, maturity, and a basic sense of a committed relationship and what it means to be in love.

Will it ever happen? Who knows. I doubt it though, because I would never be able to get along with a girl that doesn't speak English. If a relationship doesn't have communication, it'll fail. Though I can speak Vietnamese fluently, I'm more comfortable in English. Thus, I wouldn't be surprised if I end up a bachelor, but then again, I'd rather be single my entire life than be stuck in an unhappy marriage.