.: archives :.
 
 
Monday, March 23, 2003

I saw those pictures of the American POW's on television and it just saddens me so.  I can't even start to think of what their families must be going through or what pains they must be facing.  This is why I'm so against the war.  So much pain and heartache.  I can only hope that by seeing these images, those that are so into this war can start seeing the human cost of this endeavor, to put a face on all the misery that is a result of us choosing to enter this war, and hopefully bring about a swift end and resolution.  That's the one thing anti war and pro war activists agree on, that we all want our troops to be home safely and quickly.


I spent the weekend with my family this week.  It was my cousin Angela's birthday, and so we all went out to Dana Point where we ate and relaxed.  The small kids ran around the beach, building sand castles in the sand and playing in the waves, while us older guys were playing ball and helping prepare the food.  I swore that I would never barbeque again, but since it was a birthday and no one seemed to even have a clue on what to do, I ended up grilling the meat.  It's been quite a while since I've been to the beach.  I can't think of one occasion that I've gone since I broke up with my ex.  Well, except this one time when I wrote a certain someone's name in the sand...

I actually had a really good time there, and I found myself realizing that I should make the time to go more often.  After all, living in southern California has its benefits, I might as well enjoy them.  After grilling, I played a nice game of football.  What is so inherently cool about throwing a ball around that all guys seem to enjoy it?  You can get the two most macho, male egotistic guys together, and they'll be fine just tossing a ball back and forth for hours on end.  Funny eh?  Near the end of the day, I just laid in the grass watching the waves, listening to the sound of birds and children.  The simple things always make me so happy.

I've been so busy lately, wrapped up in school and the every day routine that I've forgotten how to stop and appreciate the smaller things.  As I watched everyone around me run and play, I longed for a simpler time when the most important thing in my life was Nintendo and the beach was a place to build my fantasy castles in the sky.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
I got only a few hours of sleep last night, because I had to wake up early this morning and head to school for the career fair.  I had to dress to impress, and so despite the weather being all hot and stuff, I was walking around in my suit and tie.  Too bad no one was around to take a picture of me so I can share.  Maybe I should practice M's technique of narcissistic self portraits =)

When I got there, it was quite disappointing.  Every company I talked to said the same thing.  "Yeah we're hiring, why don't you give me a copy of your resume... and then go apply online."  Dude, if that's all you're gonna say, I could have slept in for another few hours!  I got a lot of little novelty items though.  What's up with that?  We're not hiring but why don't you take this huge plastic squeeze toy with the company logo on it?

I also ran into plain girl today and said hi to her.  She's letting her grow long which actually looks really good.  There's something about hair that always gets me!

Funny thing happened at lunch then.  I was standing in line at Wendy's and in front of me was this couple.  They're all nice and cuddly, and then she gives him some money, tells him to order, and then she goes off to the bathroom.  All of a sudden, I see him flirting with the girl taking orders, telling her that she has a cute smile and that he likes her nails.  Isn't that hilarious?  Time for me to be a playa, hahah!   
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Am I the only one that thinks this war is a bad thing?  Actually, I know that's not true, because everyone I talk to at school, including professors and students alike, agree that Bush is rushing into this and that war isn't the answer.  By acting preemptively without international support, the United States is just alienating more countries, flaunting its superiority, and spreading more anger and hostility, which in turn will lead to more acts of terrorism against us.  Without international backing, its just an endless cycle.  In the long run, the consequences will be so much dire than currently imaginable...

I hate seeing the country I love being brought down like this.  What happened to life, liberty, and all men being created equal?  What gives us the right to invade another sovereign state, especially when there isn't any concrete evidence that they are now a threat? 

Anyway, I don't want to focus on this anymore, because all it does is bring me down.  Let's move on to more light hearted things.  I finally finished my resume today in anticipation for the career fair tomorrow.  After numerous revisions and countless reductions, I finally reduced it down to 1 page.  Wanna see?  I had to remove my address and contact info for this web page of course!  Hahah, it was kind of weird though, having to get rid of awards or experiences that I thought was useless.  So, any suggestions?

Last topic for the day.  I've mentioned that perverted technician in my department before and so let me go over something that happened today.  I was sitting in lab today, in the far off corner because I like to avoid the loud obnoxious crowds that come in, when this girl comes in and sits down right next to me.  Within a few minutes, the Big D walks in and starts talking to her, watching what she does.  What gives, does this guy have radar or something?  Luckily, I had my headphones on so I didn't have to put up with all his nasty pick up lines. 

Over the course of the next half an hour, different members of his "posse" come in, each with a different crude comment.  And to make matters worse, the girl actually seemed to like all the attention.  I haven't seen the likes of this since L.  Anyway, that guy is so annoying.  I mean he's married, doesn't he have any decency?  Or self respect?  I feel for his wife! Everyone in there knows he's a perv, laughing and smirking when he walks through the halls, and yet he doesn't seem to care.  I was thinking, to this point, I've always referred to him as the Big D, but the more I think about it, I might as well use his real name.  Maybe I can warn any girls that are unfortunate enough to cross his path =)  Loi Do!  You're a perv man!  It's sickening how you give guys a bad name!
Tuesday, March 18, 2003

I was sitting in class bored out of my wits today.  In many ways, I can't wait to graduate and get my degree because I've had about enough of school.  But at the same time, I'm apprehensive about the comprehensive exams.  There's only a month left and the severity of the situation has yet to hit me.  And what happens when I'm done?  Up until now, I've always hid behind some distant goal.  First it was college, then it was med school, and now it's my Master's.  What if I finish and then find myself stuck in complacency, with no more direction in my life?  Ok, now I'm just being paranoid!

I ran into this quote across one of my many perusings and thought it was quite catchy.  A little corny yes, but nevertheless it still managed to catch my eye:

The word "HELLO" means:

H = How are you?
E = Everything all right?
L = Like to hear from you
L = Love to see you soon
O = Oh, and don't forget to write......

So, HELLO ...........!

So it seems now that war is inevitable.  To be honest, I'm not defending Saddam nor am I out to bash Bush all day.  If it were a defensive war, one that we had to respond to, then he'd have my support.  But at this point, this war, the failed diplomacy, the sheer urgency and hast with which Bush's administration is acting, this is all a matter of choice.  I don't think acting preemptively is the correct thing to do.  Instead of all this warmongering, I think Bush should figure something to better stimulate the economy than just tax cuts.  I swear, that's all he seems to know.  I read that the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said that Bush's budget plan would turn an $891 billion cumulative surplus  it otherwise predicts between 2004 and 2013 into a $1.82 trillion deficit. In the three years he's been in office, I haven't seen one benefit yet.
Sunday, March 9, 2003
I was standing outside tonight in the cool breeze, looking up at the stars.  They say the universe is made of stars, millions upon billions of them, and that the majority of them are binary systems.  Two stars destined to travel together through eternity, circling around each other as they glide through the heavens.  And at the same time, there are those single stars, like our own sun, that are forever meant to be alone.  I felt such a poignancy as I stood there marveling at these celestial bodies... personifications of the love and life itself.  I wonder what the significance of hearing your voice at that exact moment meant?

A lot of people always ask me what I look like.  Isn't it more mysterious this way, not knowing who I am?  At least this way, at least you know you're here for my writings instead of anything else.  Oh well, who cares about all that. Here's a picture, enjoy =)
Thursday, March 6, 2003
How many people out there believe in fate?  I watched Serendipity again as I continue down this path of self pity and unending angst.   Hahah, just kidding, I feel ok.  But to be honest, I do feel that there is a thing as fate and that it has played a role in my life.  Let me tell you of a little story that happened to me a few years ago that leads me to believe there is at least some force out there that isn't merely coincidence...

It was after my ex and I had broken up.  I was alone for quite some time and as I looked around at all the girls around me, no one seemed worth the effort.  Every where I looked... shallow... materialistic... prissy... finding another girl didn't seem like the right thing for me. I had just gone through another heartbreak and at that point, it didn't seem like any girls I knew were able to return the level of love that I showed them.  It was then that I suddenly remembered an old friend of mine, someone with whom I shared so much that I had seriously considered starting something with her in the past.

Unfortunately, I had lost contact with her over the years and had no way of reaching her.  All I had was her name and the pleasant memories of the time we spent together.  As I thought back at the reasons why I never asked her out, I realized that all the excuses I made were just that... excuses.  In actuality, she was very much the type of girl that I've always looked for, always dreamed of.  So why didn't I ever make a move before it was too late?  I guess I was just young and dumb... in many ways I still am.

Anyway, I decided that despite the slim chances, I was going to find her again.  I set out first by searching her name on the Internet, which after a few weeks, led me no where.  For the next few weeks I tried connections, trying to establish a path from me to her through friends, through school, and even through vague information I remember about her.  After a couple of months, I was ready to give up.  At that point, I sat down and tried to recollect everything she ever told me, the story of her life, where she had grown up, the things that had influenced her, and other such facts that seemed so trivial at the time yet was invaluable now.  I was so grateful that I remembered everything she ever told me.  Then I remembered her telling me that her dad, like mine, was a doctor from Vietnam and had come over here. 

It then hit me that there couldn't be that many Vietnamese doctors in the Southern California area with her last name!  I traced down all the accredited MD's and located 3.  Finally, I picked a guess at which I thought was my best bet, wrote a lengthy letter asking if it was her and how she's been, and then mailed it.  And here's where I think fate was toying with me.  All those years had passed without me even seeing her, yet the minute I was looking again, I spotted her car over and over again in Irvine, my city, a place where she had no real reason to be.  And when she finally received it, she called me back and we began reconnecting again after those lost years.

Unfortunately, I found out that she was now dating somebody.  In fact, she had just started dating him, apparently at the time I was starting on my search to find her.  So do I believe in fate?  In a way, yes.  Why and how could I have found her again if there isn't something there?  I believe there is some force out there that manipulates everything and sees how we respond to certain conditions.  Like they say, fate may lead you up to the door, but it's up to you to walk through it.

So maybe my chance with her was supposed to be the first time, and the second time was to show me what I missed out, fate's way of being cruel.  Maybe it's her turn to make a decision, and in a few years there will be a third meeting.  Or maybe it's all a way so that if we ever do get together, we'll appreciate it all the more because of the time it took us to get together.  What do you think, am I too much of a hopeless romantic?
 
Sunday, March 2, 2003
One of my friends gave me The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks recently, and he's quite rapidly becoming one of my favorite contemporary authors.  He was the author of A Walk To Remember.  He manages to convey so much emotion in the stories he writes that you find yourself falling in love with the characters, even though the stories themselves are quite short.  This particular book, I've found out, was his first book, but it didn't lack any of the emotional punches of his newer works.  Like so many of his stories, I found it both heart breaking and uplifting at the same time.  In fact, I found tears swelling in my eyes as the story progressed.  Here's a passage that I found particularly endearing.

"You and I were different.  We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love.  You showed me what it was like to care for another, and I am a better man because of it.  I don't want you to ever forget that.  I am not bitter because of what has happened.  On the contrary.  I am secure in knowing that what we had was real, and I am happy we were able to come together for even such a short period of time.  And if, in some distant place in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy, and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love.  And maybe, for a brief moment, you'll feel it too, and you'll smile back, and savor the memories we will always share together."

The story is about unconditional, unrelenting everlasting love, how a couple were forever connected even though they only had spent one summer together.  In a way, I like to believe this story mirrors my own life.  Maybe my friend gave me this book for a particular reason, or maybe it was just coincidence, but I've found such inspiration in its words that.  In fact, that poem I wrote yesterday was inspired by words and images that I found as I read through its pages. I'd like to think that each time I think of her, or write to her, or pour my heart out onto these pages, that somewhere out there, she feels some warm yet unknown connection, that loving feeling that I'm sending out to her without her even knowing it.
Saturday, March 1, 2003
It's been five years since we parted. How can someone you've only known for a short period of time influence your life in so many ways?  How can you spend years apart from someone you only knew for weeks, or for months, and still feel their spirit within you?  I sit here, late at night, taking in the cold night breeze, listening to ballads that seem to be speaking to me and I contemplate these questions, thinking of a time long ago, a summer in the past when I was a bit younger, a bit more innocent, and before my heart was touched.  And then I write...

The Endless Journey

How many times must we meet in this way?
How many lifetimes must we spend looking for each other,
only to be torn apart when we finally do meet for some reason or another?
Why must our love be tested over and over?
I see you now only in my dreams, and even then I cannot see your face.
I know only of your spirit, of the way you touched my heart.
And that is why it hurts so much.
We are two people made of one soul.
Destined to travel together throughout this journey of life, throughout time.
And when I wake, tears streaming down my face, a cold sting in my heart,
I say good bye to you yet again.
I leave you as I have always left, through the countless ages.
I know that our time in this lifetime is over,
And I carry that love on in a quiet corner of my heart,
knowing that we have met like this before
and have said goodbye like this many times before
Through countless millennia...
This is not the first goodbye, nor is it the last...
That's why we're soul mates, neither truly complete without the other.
Maybe one day in a future lifetime, our souls will find peace,
and we will finally be joined together again.

You stepped out of my life so long ago, and now you've stepped back into it.  Spending time with you feels so natural, so wonderful, so excruciatingly pleasant that I feel incomplete sitting here without you.  I feel torn, knowing very well that we were meant to be together, and yet knowing that we are apart for a reason.  And I think I know now what love truly means.  It is not the selfish jealous feeling I've known in the past, nor is any lustful sensation that accompanies the new birth of a relationship.  It's something so much more, much more ancient, a powerful connection that nothing can really sever.  I feel that bond with you that I've never felt with anyone, as if our souls complement each other, molded out of the same love.  I see you smile as you gaze into my eyes and I know that all is well.  Your happiness gives me a sense of such well being, and though it saddens me to part with you, I know that we will have another chance.  After all, if we truly are soul mates, this is but one trial in an infinite journey together.

You say I'm a romantic, a hopeless romantic, and it's definitely true.  I like to believe that I'm not unique in that way.  But in this day and age, it seems so.  No one I see compares to you, can even hold a candle to you.  And I guess I can't deny who I am, and I can't pretend to be who I'm not.  I like reading romantic books and thinking of you.  I like watching sweet movies that remind me of you.  And I like to sit quietly at night and remember the sweet sound of your voice.  They say that a smell can bring back such memories, but for me, the sounds from your lips are like an ageless song filled with sweet nectar that eases me, mesmerizing me like the sirens of old... the one thing that I still can consciously hear and at the same time not permeable enough to grasp onto.   Maybe that's why I'm alone right now... it wouldn't be fair to anyone I'm with, and I couldn't possibly ask anyone to fill your spot in my heart.  I don't even know if it's possible.

I seem to get a lot of questions about this site.  What's its purpose.  Will she ever find this page.  Why do I even bother with other girls on here if its meant for her.  Well, this page isn't for her.  To be honest, I don't ever expect her nor anyone else to find it.  It's just a way for me to freely express myself, so that I don't have to keep these emotions bottled up.  So though she may not know how I feel, the whole world may.  Because at the end of the day, no matter what I've done or who may have stepped into and out of my life, she still holds a quiet spot in the deepest recesses of my soul and there she will always remain.