The day of reckoning is finally here.  Tomorrow morning... time to go kick some ass!  Wish me luck! =)

I was browsing Asian Avenue yesterday and I came across this girl which I thought was kind of cute.  I think it has something to do with the glasses.  I've always had a thing for spectacles.  I think it gives the person a sense of sophistication, a witty charm if you will.  Anyway, I have no idea who she is, so don't ask. =) It's funny because I think this is the first picture I have that is a candid web cam picture.  Most of the time, I tend to post studio portraits or professionally taken photographs, pictures that were meant to be shared by those in them.  Does that mean I find this girl especially cute in some way?

I wonder whoever she is, if she came across my page, what would she say?  Would she think "who is this goober that's posting my pic?" Or would she find it slightly flattering?  I guess it depends if she actually reads my thoughts and determines if I'm harmless or not, hahah.

So as I was browsing, I found it funny that people label themselves with such lavish screen names.  I would see names such as SuperHottie, CallMePrincess, VietBeauty and many other ridiculous labels (by the way, I made those up, so I have no idea if they're real or not).  And though some of theses names may be justified, in many cases, they're no where close to describing the actual person correctly!  I mean come on, I don't go around with the screen name TallDarkHandsomeRichBoy2000!

It kind of reminded me of those old Chinese Kung-Fu movies.  I am Little Dragon Lady.  Prepare to meet your doom, oh Golden Haired Lion, by the sword of Kicking Southern Bird!

I guess it's meant to be catchy, but isn't that setting the reader up for being let down?  The funniest thing was that I ran into a few of my friends' pages as well, and they had put their degrees in their names.  I dogged on them of course!  Gee, I wonder if I should change my screen name to vhleMS... or better yet vhlePhD.  How presumptuous!

When I stumbled onto my friends' pages, I was actually kind of surprised.  I sometimes wonder what would happen it someone who knew me discovered my rantings?  What would MCAT girl think if she saw my dedication?  Would my ex agree with my views on how and why our relationship ended?  Would any of my friends get mad at me for my lack of restraint in expressing my thoughts and opinions?

Well guess what?  I finished reading Message In A Bottle last night.  Fast right?  The clock ticked past 5 in the morning as I read the last pages, tears swelling up in my eyes.  I've read three of Sparks's novels now, and though each deal with different matters and feature different characters interacting in different ways, none have failed to touch emotionally.  I don't know how the movie adaptations are, but I honestly doubt they can match the beauty expressed in these stories faithfully.  When I read about where he gets his inspirations for his novels, mostly from his real life experiences, it just makes everything seem so much more beautiful.  Next up, the Rescue... when I'm through with all his books, I'll have to look back and rank them.

So because I stayed up so late, I ended up waking a little past noon.  Actually, the alarm was set for noon, but I didn't have quite the energy to get up, and so I kept snoozing for a while.  Once I was finally up and showered, ready to hit my day, I didn't feel like studying.  Spring break can make me so unmotivated!  Tests just don't seem all that important in the grand scheme of life, and I want to look back on my life and know that I lived.  It's been quite some time since I've done something spontaneous, and so I decided to hit up the beach today.  Maybe it's all the reading I've done lately, but I suddenly feel a need to experience life, instead of being exposed to the daily trudges of school and home. 

Anyway, M called me up and so we ended up grabbing lunch before I volunteered the idea of going down to Corona.  I realized it's been too long since I've gone somewhere "just because".  When we got there, I remembered my UCI days, when I was part of Alpha Epsilon Delta and we would have our bonfires out as the sun went down.  AED was one of the few bright points of UCI that I miss every now and then... the friendship and comradery. 

There was this jetty that went out into the ocean filled with rocks, and remembering that I had traversed it once before, I decided to head out again.  Now anyone who knows me knows that heights and rock navigation aren't exactly things I handle well!  But the scene was well worth it and hearing the waves crash upon the rocks was invigorating.  Definitely the break I needed.  And as the sun set, the sky turned into this reddish purple gaze that echoed across the sky.  I could have just sat there on the beach as I did in the past, watching the gulls fly by and listening to the wind howl.

Afterwards, I still didn't feel like going home, so we headed up and down the beach, glancing at the huge homes, and marveling at the little niche shops.  There was this little French Riviera style nook tucked away in one of the streets we went to that looked very romantic.  Once I find a girl worthy enough, I'll definitely take her there, especially at night as the lights twinkle above us.  We then drove onto the peninsula and M wanted to see where the ferry was located.  After going up and down all the streets and shops, we finally decided to call it the night, keeping in mind all these places for future reference of course =)

So now it's like 2 in the morning, and I'm about spent.  Two days down, and as the time passes by, I find myself relying more and more on what I already know instead of worrying about what I don't know.  But then again, I've never been the worrying type.  It's like this e-mail I received recently from K. "Fear is lack of faith in yourself."  I've never been one to doubt my own ability.  My work ethic and studiousness, maybe, but my ability... never. 

• Dating your ex's best friend.
• Dating your best friend's ex.
• Dating your friend's family member.

I mean this isn't Friends or some twisted day time soap opera.  In the real world, these situations can be quite awkward for all parties involved.  How do you even start?  And what happens if there's a break up?  Can you still act normal around these people?  And don't even get me started on the case of where two close friends want to be with the same person...

What does it mean when you lose a friendship over something so trivial that it defies logic?  Can it mean that the friendship was never that strong in the first place?  And what does it imply when you could care less about the loss?

I've been listening to a lot of Minh Tuyet lately.  Her voice is just so sweet, and the lyrics bring forth so many images for me.  She's quickly becoming one of my favorite Vietnamese artists! I think I had her picture before but I can't really remember.  What an honor huh?   And she has real talent too, unlike so many singers nowadays that really only on their looks, which I might add, aren't as pretty.

Speaking of singing, what's up with this craze over American Idol? I was sitting there thinking today that there's always been shows like that before in our society.  Star Search.  Show Time At The Apollo.  Why the craze now? Just curious...

A gaze is a very powerful thing.  Being locked in someone else's eyes is like looking into their soul, treading the sea that is hiding their deepest innermost self.  There's something inherently spiritual about being able to pierce someone's stare.  You can almost tell what they're thinking about you, whether they love you or hate you, all in an instant.  A look of deep sympathy vs. the evil eye. 

There must be some unseen energy when you really look at someone.  How else can you explain it when you know that person over there is looking directly at you, behind your back?  Maybe that's why girls never turn around and look back when they walk away.  They can sense the guy eyeing them, yearning for them to stay.  They can feel the sensation of being looked at.  How is that?

It's been a long time since a girl has looked at me in such a way that indicates I'm the most important thing in her life.  To be truthful, I don't think anyone's ever looked at me that way.  But I know I have about others.  You can almost read the expression on my face... *idiot in love*.  I'll admit, it'd be nice to have a set of eyes like the one in the pictures gazing at me, pondering what I'm thinking.  Wondering if I'm really all I make myself seem, and if it's worth the risk to let go all defenses.  Yes, that'd be nice.

Thầm Gọi Tên Anh Gội thầm tên anh lần cuối Con tim buốt nhối trong đêm sầu Còn lại gì khi tình qua mau bao yêu dấu nay cũng theo gió troi đi mịt mờ. Ðường về cô đơn lạnh giá lang thang phố văn'g trong mưa buồn rơi lệ nhòa trên mi sầu em khôn  nguôi Người tình ơi, thôi hết năm tháng bên nhau tuyệt vời Cuộc tình xưa sây đắm một trời kỷ niệm ngọt ngào nay đã xa rồi rồị Còn đâu giây phút bối rối khuấn quyết môi hôn gọi mờị Bóng anh đã khuất chân trời Một mình em trong cuộc đời, mưa ơi tùng chiều đừng rơi Còn gì không anh hởi từ ngày tình lạnh lùng anh đã quay lưng rồi Còn đâu giây phút sam tối đắm đuối ôm trong vòng tây Dấu yêu nay đã phải tàn cuộc tình qua đi vội vàng Anh Ơi mình đành mất nhau

Now beyond that, how many little secrets have I let loose on the world, through my writings, that I haven't been able to tell anyone?  How many know the true story of me?  Of what I go through, how I'm treated in my everyday life... the pains that I hide behind a false smile at times.  How many know the true story of the MCAT girl, or the situation with my ex's.  How many can tell me to my face that they know who I really am?  Maybe a handful of people, maybe not even that much, and to tell the truth, I prefer it that way.  A person's heart and soul is mysterious ocean of emotions that's better left untouched at times.  There are things that to this day I still haven't told a soul, places I've been, people I've met, things I've seen.  And maybe until the day I die, I still won't tell.  Some secrets might just go with me on and on forever, unshared by another human soul. And there are some things better not knowing.  I've found out things about my friends, either through my own inquisitiveness or through the gossip channels, that I'd rather not know.  Knowing some of the things that I do about them has altered my perception of them, and in that case, does that in turn alter the friendship?

I was asked once if I would want the power to read minds.  I don't think I would.  The human mind is a complex web of thoughts and ideas.  How would it be to have full access to someone's mind, prying and nosing around.  Do I really want to be exposed to possible harmful thoughts?  How would I react knowing that someone lied straight to my face?

Maybe that's why I've been so picky about entering another relationship.  Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your life......and you give them a piece of you.  They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.  I hate love.  I like having my secrets...