I hadn't planned on writing just quite yet, but I dreamt about you last night and I wanted to write the image down before it becomes a distant memory, lost with age.
It was a simple dream really. I can't remember much detail at all. In fact, I can't remember any detail at all except for one. We were together somewhere and you were cold, so I offered you my jacket. First you turned around so that I could put in on you, and then you turned around to face me. You looked absolutely adorable as the jacket was way too big for you. As I stood there in front of you zipping it up, I saw the beautiful smile on your face, your eyes piercing into mine. I could see the love in your eyes and then you started leaning in. It took me a moment to realize what was happening and before I was ready, you kissed me. A simple kiss really but enough to melt my heart. I woke up, cursing myself for ruining such a perfect moment.
In the past, I remember many instances where I had offered you my jacket, and you always politely turned me down. Looking back, I can see that it must be another one of your self imposed rules. Another detail that makes you so special, a rarity in today's society.
My parents dropped by last night to get more things. I took the opportunity to give them the moon cake presents I had recently picked up. Traditional values is always a big deal in my family and I think it's been ingrained into my head to always try and remember the cultural holidays like that. It's silly, but I remember my mom always telling me that I would have to learn all these proper ceremonies especially when I have in-laws. I laughed of course. I don't do it for ceremony or for duty. Rather I think it's good to retain onto some of your heritage, plus it helps broaden who I am. Rather than being raised in only one culture, I'm glad that I'm steeped deep enough so that I can understand and appreciate all the nuances of both my Vietnamese and American heritage.
Speaking of raising children, have any of you read about that fatal car crash here the other day? Apparently a couple of 18 and 20 year olds were racing their BMWs and Mercedes down La Paz when one of the drivers lost control. He ended up losing his life, his two female passengers are still in critical condition, and the other driver has been arrested. The whole situation is sad enough, but do you know what the first thought that came to my head was? What is an 18 year old kid still in high school doing with such powerful and expensive cars? I mean it's great that the parents can afford such luxuries for their children, but did they take the opportunity to teach their child correctly? To make them realize what a nice gift it is, to properly appreciate and respect it all, and not to take it all for granted like some game? Sometimes I think all that money is an evil, especially when there seems to be a lack of family values and properly raising your children nowadays. I don't know, that's just me venting I think.
So my friend Jap Girl sent me
this personality quiz. I usually don't do these things just cause they're never right, but in this case, it was pretty close I thought. Turns out I'm an Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, & Perceiving (ISFP) individual, and the whole description is here. It's pretty long winded, but I found several passages to be pretty descriptive of who I am.
ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.
They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.
They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.
They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.
The ISFP is likely to not give themselves enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unnecessary harshness.
I think that describes me pretty well. I do find myself to be quite introspective and I do believe that actions speak much louder than words. I wonder if my friends and family who know me well would agree with this analysis? Oh well, back to work.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Throughout the night, I kept waking up. 3:32. 4:20. When I finally seemed to get a nice restful slumber, I had another dream about you.
My friend M and I were on this trip somewhere. We stopped into some extremely extravagant restaurant, and there you were, waiting for us. You were wearing this beautiful black cocktail dress, your hair tied up in a way that I've never seen before. You looked absolutely radiant. Tremendously sexy.
I can't remember much about the dream except at one point, I was sitting there with you in my arms, and I turned over and kissed you on your cheek. A small little peck, and you giggled in the way you always do. You were so warm, and it felt so good to be so close to you. And then for some strange reason, you kissed me back right on the nose. I thought that was so weird of you, but also in line with your playful nature. Needless to say, everything felt so right.
So I spent most of my weekend around the house, moving things and fixing things. I have to admit that overall, it's an odd feeling and quite lonely. For some reason, it doesn't feel like a home right now, just an empty house.
They say that home is where the heart is. Since my heart is always with you, does that mean that I will never truly feel at home until we're together?
I'm glad I got to hear from you a bit last night, even if it wasn't on the phone. You have no idea how something simple as just talking to you lifts my spirits so. In a way, I hate what I've become. I never wanted to be one of those guys who always needs to hear from you, always longing for your voice. I want to give you your time and space to do what's right in your heart so that if and when we're finally together, it will be forever. But I'm guilty of becoming that guy. I think about you always. I long to be by your side, even if it's just sitting around and talking. I think about the places we could go, the things we could do. I want to be able to make you happy, to always make you smile, to show you in the little things that I do that would make you feel loved in a way that you never felt before. The way you've always deserved to always feel.
...
I've noticed that writing in the morning doesn't give me the chance to reflect on my day. Does this mean I have to resort to writing twice a day now? Haha, I doubt I have such dedication.
As I was rummaging through my things tonight, sorting through all my old belongings, I came across a small stack of origami paper. Then it hit me as I remembered why I had it in the first place. It was your birthday years ago, and like every year, I had no idea what to get you, and so I decided to make you something from the heart instead - origami cranes. I guess I had read somewhere that cranes stood for long life and happiness, both of which I wished for you. And so I would just sit and just fold away. M would laugh at me, for it got to the point where it was all subconscious, and it didn't matter what I happened to be doing at the time, for I could have folded them blindfolded. In the end, I had filled up a jar with as many as I could fit in.
What I found tonight were the left over sheets. Thinking about it now, I've always wondered what became of that jar. What you thought of it all, if you knew my feelings for you back then or not. I guess it's funny what memories a simple object can bring about.
I hope you had a wonderful day off today. Sleep well and sweet dreams my dearest.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
It's so strange. I'm used to writing these entries late at night when all is peaceful and quiet and I can reflect on my day, and yet recently I've been waking up extremely early and find myself writing then instead. When I opened my eyes this morning, all was dark. All I could hear was the sound of water splashing outside in my small koi pond, and when I checked my cell phone, the time was 4:48. That makes 3 days in a row now. Restless sleep. Bad dreams. Too many thoughts perhaps.
There was a gathering at my uncle's house last night for the anniversary of my grandfather's death. I can't believe that after all these years, I still hear about going back to medical school. It infuriates me. Why is it that the world can't seem to judge you by who you are rather than what you are?
I couldn't care less what degree I have or if others think it's a waste of my abilities. When I'm old and on my death bed, all I want is to be able to look back on my life and know that I've lived a good life, been a good man. A loving husband. A caring father. That I've successfully raised a warm and close knit family. A lot of wonderful memories. All other successes mean nothing to me.
I think maybe that's why all my younger cousins find me so endearing. I don't nag or ridicule. I tell them to do what makes them happy and support them in their endeavors, even if it goes against traditional Vietnamese thinking. The way I see it, life's too precious to have to look back later on and regret. I know how tough family can be, and so I always try to be supportive.
As I lay there in bed last night, I thought about how I've never really been supported whole heartedly and loved unconditionally by my girlfriends before. I look at others around me and I see the happiness in their eyes, and I'm envious. What must it feel like to have someone who completes me like that? Someone with whom, when I look into her eyes, I can see that she's so happy to be with me and considers herself the luckiest girl alive? I've never felt that before and it saddens me that I've yet to experience such feelings in return.
Isn't it ironic that those that you love the most are really the only people who can hurt you? I find it bittersweet that the more you care about someone, the more susceptible you are to heart break. The more you open your heart, the easier it is to get stung. The simplest actions can affect you so deeply, and such trivial matters with others end up cutting you more than you're ever prepared for.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I had a restless sleep last night. Woke up early. Can't remember much really. Bad dreams I guess.
I was told not to call you tonight, but after such pleasant Friday nights talking to you these past couple of weeks, I find myself longing for it all the more. But I'll respect your wishes and refrain.
The day is pretty gloomy outside, and to be honest, I feel a little gloomy inside as well too. I know it's silly of me, but I miss you.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I was talking to one of the rehab therapists that I work with at the Rehab Institute of Chicago today and she gave me an update on how some of the devices and programs that I've developed for their patients there are working out. Several of the subjects have responded positively and my latest implementations have gotten very positive reviews. In addition, the nurses in the clinic where I work recently told me that the subjects using our robotic devices here are enjoying them as well, and that overall what I did was really cool.
My boss keeps telling others that what we're doing, what I'm doing, is cutting edge stuff, on the leading edge of what others in the world are doing in rehab therapy. Part of me knows that he's saying this just to boost my ego, to entice me to stay, but part of me realizes that this actually also very true.
And when I hear compliments from others or stories about how subjects responded to treatment, it makes me feel pretty good inside too, for I know that I'm actively playing a role in helping others after they've suffered such debilitating tragedies.
I was talking to my coworkers after returning to work on Tuesday, and they were telling me how my boss was actually pretty worried about me leaving. I blushed when they told me some of the stuff he said about me and if I ever left. I guess when I told him that I needed a few Mondays off, he realized that I might be going for interviews. And apparently he was pretty stressed out, asking around to see if others knew why I needed the time off.
It's too bad really. I'll be pretty honest. If it weren't for the salary issue, I wouldn't mind staying on for some time. Seeing the results are pretty rewarding. But after all, how long can I continue where I am if I'm to start a family of my own, if I'm to successfully take on the domestic responsibilities that I've started? I don't need anything extravagant, but I want to get to that point where I don't ever have to worry about finances, you know?
A few weeks ago, I came into work and found a note left to me in my drawer. It was from one of the neuroimaging student volunteers that we had over the summer.
To Vu: Just wanted to say thanks for all your help... I couldn't have gotten so far in so short a time without your help. I see that you never hesitate to help the students here even if you are incredibly busy. Don't ever underestimate your importance in this lab.
Upon reading it, I was touched. I felt kind of bad that I couldn't help more than I did, but I was glad to know that I was able to help out where I could. I always claim that I have no ego to bruise, that at the end of the day, I'm just a simple guy trying to make his way in the world, but I must admit that it felt good to be reassured of my value and to be complimented on my talent. Don't worry, it's not like I have a big head forming or anything. I've always stated that if I ever did get to that point, then my friends should smack me upside the head and bring me back down to earth. But still, it was a sweet gesture that I want to remember.
Enough about work. So I was woken up this morning to the most lovely sound in the world. And before going to bed, I also heard the most pleasant sound possible. I don't know which I enjoy more, to hear you as the first sound as I gain consciousness in the morning, or to hear you when you're most at ease, when all is quiet around us and all I can focus on is your soft voice right before going to sleep? I love your hyper active side just as much as I love your playful devious side and just as much as I love your quiet vulnerable side. All I can say is that an otherwise bland day was bookended by two lovely images.
You question that I love you so much despite there being many aspects about you that I don't yet know. To that I say, of course there will be many things I don't know. The way I see it, it's just more and more opportunities to fall in love with you even more. What I've known so far, what I've fallen in love with so far I'm sure is just the cusp of the whole that is you, and I look forward to the many opportunities to fall in love with you all over again. Good night and sleep well. Sweet dreams, angel of mine.
What you mean to me you'll never know,
deep inside, I need to show.
You came into my life, sent from above,
better than a dream such a perfect love.
And I'll
adore you till the end of time...
angel of mine.
~ Angel of Mine ~
.: Eternal :.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
"It's a song... about a bride, who as she walks down the aisle, remembers her past as she heads towards her future."
~ Two Words ~ .: Lea Salonga :.
You know, I've always imagined what it would be like to be serenaded. Not necessarily like Lea Salonga does here on her wedding day, but simply the act of being sung to by the one you love so dearly. I guess I've always dreamed of sitting there some silent night with the one I love as she looks deeply into my eyes and sings to me with all her heart. In fact, I think I prefer it if it were just the two of us. It matters not if she can sing or what songs she's singing. What matters is that she's there, telling me that she loves me so in that special way. The simple act of sharing in something so innocent seems so desirable to me. And I know I'd cry just as much as the groom does here. I guess I'm just a sentimental dreamer like that.
Monday, September 18, 2006
I couldn't sleep this morning, knowing that I would be seeing you in a few hours and that you wanted to talk to me. I constantly woke up, frantically worrying that I was late. When I first opened my eyes, it was still dark out and I lay there as I looked at the clock... 5 AM... 6 AM... 7AM... Finally I tell myself that I should get out of bed and get ready. I anxiously shower and prepare as I always do, amazed that after all this time I still get so nervous when I'm about to see you.
As I'm walking out of the house, I receive your call, telling me that you're going to be slightly late. No problem I say and I smile to myself as I reflect on how considerate you are. A mere five minutes late and already a call. I sit there near our usual meeting spot, the warm sun shining behind me and a cool morning breeze waking my spirits. And as I see you pulling up, I'm uplifted.
You step out and I immediately take notice of your lovely summer dress. Your denim jacket, your white purse, your cream sandals. I marvel at how beautiful you always look. And then you smile at me, and that's when my heart absolutely melts. I think to myself, what I wouldn't give to feel this way forever. Unable to take my eyes off you, I tell you how beautiful you look. Can you tell how sincere I am or do you think it's just a form of sweet talk?
We walk into a little bakery where your eyes light up and it brings me so much joy to see such happiness on your face. You order yourself a pretzel and ice tea while I just get an apple juice, and as we sit there, I revel in the small nuances of your every movement. Movements that I've become so accustomed to and cherish so much, from the way you play with your hair that dangles in front of your face to the way you playfully spread butter onto your bread.
You must be warm, for you take off your jacket, leaving me completely and utterly speechless. Oh. My. Gosh. How incredibly sexy you look in that backless dress. I must have been drooling. And so I resort to clumsily playing with your hair clip as to avoid staring at you.
We laugh a bit at how you say I'm colorblind, unable to tell what color that dress is. Red? Orange? Salmon? I still don't know. As you continue to tell me about your day yesterday, I notice more of the small details about you. Your golden hoop earrings, your french manicure, the pink nail polish on your feet. And every time you look up and smile at me, my heart skips a beat.
Soon we get up to leave and head over to Disneyland, though it doesn't really matter where we go. Just spending time with you is more than I could ask for. Note to self: Remember, 72 degrees!
Anyway, as we play the Buzz Light Year game several times, you playfully try to hinder me in an attempt to beat my score. When I get one final 50,000 point shot that puts me over the top, you scream out and I just laugh. How amazingly wonderful it is to be having such simple fun with you.
We then visit the Enchanted Tiki Room where I get to enjoy seeing you sing and bob your head along with all the audio animatronics. As I sit there taking in all the sights and sounds, I can't help but think that this is exactly where I want to be at that moment. No where else. Is this what it would be like to be visiting Hawaii with you, enjoying a late night luau? I guess I am always guilty of trying to think of things to do with you after all.
Before going to lunch, we experienced the turbulence that is Indiana Jones. I always get a kick out of how hard you grip onto the front column as we round the bends and turns. At one point, you even screamed out and ducked, which was absolutely adorable. You always do know how to bring a smile to my face.
Standing there in line, talking to each other, you marvel at how long we've known each other. It's approaching 10 years soon. How grateful I am to have you in my life. Do you know that I consider you my closest and best girl friend?
We eat at the French Market Restaurant. Some Gumbo and Garlic Fries for you, a Monte Cristo Sandwich for me. I never seem to finish a meal around you. I guess when I'm with you, there's more important things than eating. I can see my friend laughing at me now, just as I laugh at him when he does the same thing around a girl he loves.
I've been waiting to go on Pirates with you, but the ride was closed. You already happened to go on it before me and so you tell me I'm not missing out on much anyway. Hmm, must be like Space Mountain then, a let down of a retrofit. Time's approaching for the big talk, and so we head over to California Adventure. There's a nice attraction that I want to show you where we can just sit and talk.
Before the moment though, you ask to go on the Tower of Terror. I can see the nervous look of apprehension on your face as we stand in line, and I still smile right now as I reminisce. Once we're seated, you notice that there's nothing to grab onto, and I just laugh, whole heartedly expecting this to be a memorable experience. We shoot up and down, up and down. Your reaction varies from frantically grabbing my arm to ducking down into your seat, all the while screaming at the top of your lungs. I try to lift your hands up into the air, but your resolve doesn't budge and I just continue laughing. When the ride is over, you look winded and dazed, but still beautiful just as ever.
And so we go into the center where we just sit beneath the screens that flash all the classic Disney Movies in a 360 panorama. I hardly pay attention to them though, as you have my full focus. You sit down, combing your hair ever so softly, taking a while before any words come out. All the while, I just look at you, how radiant you look. You tell me where you are now, where things stand between us, and I can't say that I'm surprised. Part of me always knew that which you told me, and though I was pained at some of the specific things you said, I reminded myself that your happiness is what matters most. That I told myself years ago that I would do whatever necessary to ensure that came about.
Yes I was slightly hurt and yes, I was slightly saddened. But oddly though, I didn't feel much anxiety. To be honest, I feel like we're moving in the right direction. There's a connection developing between us that I can feel in the deepest part of my soul, and I don't believe anyone can fake that. Can you feel it too? The way you playfully hit me? The way I make fun of you and then find you so cute at the same time? The way we're becoming more comfortable around each other? I guess I still believe we're destined for one another, true soul mates, and I have faith that slowly I'm working my way into your heart. Hopefully time will prove my faith correctly.
You light heartedly ask me if you've scared me off yet, and remind me that maybe I shouldn't wait around for something that might never come about. I just chuckle. There's nothing that you can say that would do that. If needed, I'd gladly wait several life times for you.
Before leaving, I show you the Sorcerer's Workshop, filled with animation and fairy tale. As you sit and pose for the camera, ready to play through the scenario to determine which Disney character you most resemble, I can't help but notice how you've never looked more stunning. It must be true that you're growing more beautiful by the day. We finish by acting out lines from Beauty and the Beast. It's so cute how easily you get embarrassed, considering there wasn't anyone else around.
One last stop before we leave the park though: the local candy shop and bakery to examine all their fudges. You ask for a sample and then giggle as you realize that the sample is more than enough for you. We walk back to the car and I begin to dread the moment which I have to say good bye to you all again.
As we drive back, you browse through my Ipod and wonder how you never realized one of my playlists is named after you. That's pretty strange, considering that it was the first playlist I set up when I bought it years ago. You sing along to the words, Truly Madly Deeply, and I'm in pure bliss as I listen to your sweet voice. When we finally part ways, and you drive off into the distance, I'm immediately filled with a sense of longing and emptiness. Missing you already.
I'll love you more with every breath... truly, madly deeply do...
It's 2AM now and I have work in a few hours, and yet I still can't sleep. I keep sitting here listening to music, thinking about you. I love you so much you wouldn't believe. My angel, my playful devil, sleep well and sweet dreams. Know that I'm thinking of you always.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
I didn't get to sleep last night until 4 in the morning and rather than having a nice long recuperating slumber, I was woken up at slightly past 7 by loud barking dogs. No longer able to sleep, I trudged myself out to the back yard to take care of all the animals out there, be it dogs, birds, fish, or turtle. After showering and going through my morning ritual, I checked flight tracking regarding the status of my parent's flight and prepared to go pick them up. I met them at baggage claim and as we walked back to the car, they told me some details of the wedding. Elegant, fancy, exquisite. I only laughed as I thought to myself how on Earth I can ever afford a decent wedding! Hahah, oh well, I'm sure I'll manage, I always do.
As the afternoon wore on, it got pretty hot and the lack of sleep was tacking its toll on me. Just as I was about to lie down for a nap though, M called and asked for my help moving some heavy furniture. While I was over there, I saw some more pictures of his nephew Aidan, whom I affectionately refer to as the "Round Mound". That kid has an awesomely round head! Afterwards, we just relaxed a and chatted a bit about our lives. It seems like we've both been through so much and have always been there for each other. A good friendship like that is hard to come by.
I talked to you a bit about your run this morning. I love hearing from you, for it always brings a smile to my face. I'm so impressed by how much dedication you have to be able to accomplish your goals, though I can't say I'm surprised. You've been always been strong willed and I never had any doubt as to your abilities. In fact, I'm sure that there's nothing that you can't achieve.
So I've spent the last few days going over my old musings, kind of just refreshing my mind on all that I wrote, but more importantly trying to recollect all the moments in which I held thoughts of you so dear. I've never really sat down and paid attention and dissected it all, contemplating my journal as a whole. Instead I've always just tended to read the times I thought of you, but in reading everything again, I realize how often you actually came up in my thoughts. Mentions of MCAT Girl are strewn throughout this site, and I smile at the intense emotion that I put into my writings. Reading it all again brings back those feelings that existed when I lay the words down onto page, and I can see how as the months progressed and years progressed, my writing only got more focused, more intense, a reflection of how my love for you has only gotten more intense.
I don't know what compelled me to start writing all those years ago, but
I sit here now and I'm so grateful that I did. That I was able to capture all those raw emotions through the years. That I was able to record with definite progression how much my love for you has only gotten stronger with time. But most importantly, that I'm able to look back, remember, and reminisce all that I've experienced with you.
Friday, September 15, 2006
My coworker that left last month for a professorship position returned to lab today to say hi and grab lunch with everyone. It was good seeing him again, because ever since he left, it's been too quiet. Being an engineer, we had a common interest and moreover, we would usually just sit and chat about regular stuff, from movies we like to what new gadgets are out there. We had daily contests at the end of the day to see who could shoot more paper wads into a basket clear across the room and we would always laugh as one another spouted off random movie quotes. I miss that fun comradery, for now the atmosphere there is a little too uptight. Plus, he and I were working on really cutting edge stuff, and now I worry that I no longer feel challenged. Oh well, things change. Time moves on. At least we still keep in constant contact so I wish him the best at his new job.
So my parents are away for the weekend and I've been having the house all to myself. They've done this before, and I end up doing the domestic responsibilities around the house, from taking care of the pets to taking out the trash. It's a strange sensation though. I feel a bit lonely, but at the same time, it's pretty nice too, as if I were finally on my own, living my own life. I sit and wonder what it might feel like to build a home with you. To be able to come home at the end of the day and be greeted by such a loving smile. To be able to just spend some quality time together, just the two of us, oblivious to the outside world.
Anyway, it's past 1am now and I can't seem to go to sleep. I'm still trying to face the realization that you know everything. I feel stripped bare, as if all my defenses are gone. But then again, it's a good thing. I've always wanted you to know how I feel about you.
Not just know in your mind, but to know in your heart. Perhaps in the future if things work out for us, we can look back and consider this event an opening of the door, a change in how you see me seeing you. And if nothing else happens, it's a way for you to finally understand and believe how deeply I care for you. So that never again would you have to sit and wonder if someone out there truly and genuinely loves you.
I sit here in the dark listening to music and all I can think of is you. I'm mesmerized by your picture, your warm glow smiling back at me. Your eyes so bright. How beautiful you are. I know I just said good bye to you a few hours ago, but one thing I didn't get to say is that I love you. I wait for the day when I can tell it to you in person, so that you can hear it in my voice. Until then, sleep well my dear and get your rest.
You are the one that I love,
You are the one that I need.
You're the only one in my heart.
Baby, come save me.
The touch of your hand
can take all the pain away.
And the sound of your voice
heals my soul...
Forever I'm yours.
~ You Are The One ~
.: Whyte Shadow :.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Ugh, I'm having a miserable morning. Just as you have the capabilities of lifting my spirits to remote heights, you also have the ability to lower me into the deepest pits of despondency.
I can't believe you would ever think that I'd be ashamed of you. It's quite the opposite really and I wish that I could let everyone know about you. I wish I could scream it at the top of my lungs so that the whole world knows. How I love you so deeply. How I'm so glad you're back in my life.
I think to myself about the reasons that I haven't told my close friends Hombre and Playa about you, and I just can't put my finger on it. You keep telling me that we're just friends. Maybe that's it? Maybe I'm waiting for us to be something more?
I'm sitting here at work. Ugh, I can't focus right now.
.......
It's finally almost time to go home. I couldn't get you out of mind all day and frankly I'm feeling quite miserable. I look at the picture you gave me and everything seems so close and yet so far. I wish I could just hear your voice to make it all better.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I can't believe that you actually gave me a picture after all these years. Of course you made me promise not to show anyone, print it, nor post it, and that I would stop asking you for one, but those terms were well worth it.
All I can say is wow. I know I'm a wee bit biased, but I have always known you to be beautiful. You're the only person that I've ever considered more than just pretty, and you're the only person that I've ever repeatedly used the term beautiful in regards.
There you are, sitting in Paris overlooking the nightlife of the Champs Elysees, and yet all I see is you. Your eyes shining like diamonds, your smile just radiating. A beautiful angel that tugs at my heart. It's magical just how wonderful you look to me, and I can't help imagining what it would be like to visit some exotic location with you. Spending my future with you. Spending my life with you.
Looking back over the weekend, I can honestly say that it was one of the more pleasant weekends I've had in a long time, and I have you to thank for that. Imagine, that was without even seeing you. Oh how I wish we were more than just friends, because there's so much that I want to be able to say to you.
I want to tell you often and always that I love you. Each time we hang up, I wish I could tell you that. That I'm falling in love with you more and more with each passing moment. That being with you, even just hearing your voice, makes me so happy that I can't picture my life without you by my side. I'm so grateful for your friendship, and I long for the day when I'd truly be the luckiest man on alive - the day when I might have your love as well.
Saturday, September 9, 2006
It's been a long time since we've just talked over little nothings like we did yesterday and this morning. I've missed being able to just waste away hours to the sound of your voice. I know it's silly of me, but I can't imagine a better way to spend a Friday night than having a pleasant conversation with you. In fact, the only way it could have been better is if I got to see you as well. And I wish you would allow me the pleasure of it more often.
Sometimes I wish you would call me at some random hour of the night just so that we could talk.
So you asked what some of my friends looked like and so I showed you my Myspace page. That got me thinking. How would I react if you ever found this online journal that I keep for myself? Would if creep you out knowing how I feel about you or would you feel touched that I've cared about you for so long now? It's not like I really have anything to hide anyway. After all, you know how I feel about you, and by writing it here, any anonymous stranger knows my feelings as well.
It is pretty funny to reread some of my ramblings though and to see how my life has changed. How many girls have come and gone. The reflections that seem to return to my mind every so often. But one thing is certain as I go over my old words, and that is my feelings for you have always been there in the recesses of my heart.
You asked me why I put "Taken" as my status, and my reply to that is simple. My heart already belongs to someone. To you. It's so clear to me and it's the reason I haven't found anyone else. You may say that I'm cheating myself by acting in such a way, but I say that I'd be cheating myself if I forced myself to accept another when my heart yearns for you.
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
I had another weird dream about you last night. I was talking to you and for some reason, you were giving me a guilt trip about how I don't take a hint and call you, even after you specifically told me to. I felt so bad, remembering your exact words, and questioning how I could have forgotten. I promised to call you that night.
Instead of calling you though, I ended up seeing you, and you were pregnant. As I sat there with you leaning into me, I had one hand gently caressing your head and the other hand placed on your belly. I remember feeling the child move and thinking to myself that this was our kid, and that we were raising a family together. I felt so elated, a moment of pure bliss, and couldn't believe how incredibly lucky I was.
I'm always thinking of you, of spending my life with you. Is my biological clock ticking? It can't be though, because I can't picture myself settling down with anyone else.
My friend is taking a week off of work to take care of his girlfriend who is recuperating from getting her tonsils removed. And for some reason, I'm very envious. I guess I wish I were able to take care of you in the same way, that you would actually allow me to be more than just a friend. I'm strange, I know. I guess my biological clock is ticking after all. Or maybe it's just that I'm a fool madly in love...
