We talked a little bit about what I said before. She told me that only a part of what I thought was true, and that she's not shunning guys merely out of her own stringent standards. She reiterated that she wanted someone that what would fit in and make her parents and her family happy as well. That she couldn't afford the luxury of falling for just "anyone". Funny, because that sounds like exactly what I was saying. Did she just not hear me? She doesn't seem to understand that that's my whole point. She's basically choosing guys that she thinks will make other people happy. Superficial or not, that's just how it is.

It's a pity that she fails to see that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what her parents think, or her sister thinks, or anyone else thinks. It may sound selfish, but she needs to live her life knowing how to make herself happy. One day everyone will be gone, and it will be just her. When I left med school, and when my sister converted, I got a taste of that first hand. Sure it hurt my parents at the beginning, but now it's so much better. Because we're so much happier, my parents are happy too. It would have been much worse if we lived out our lives miserable for their sake, only to have both parties unhappy, bitter and resentful later on.

Though I know it would be hard on my parents initially just as much if I were to be with a non Buddhist or non Vietnamese girl, I know they would accept anyone I chose. They would respect my decision. Does that mean I love my family any less than she loves hers? No, of course not. Or does that mean I trust and believe in my parents more than she trusts hers?

The saddest fact of all this is that in essence, she's already judging for her parents. She's automatically assuming what type of guy her parents would approve or disapprove of. What does that say about them and about her?

If I've learned anything in life, it's that those with the biggest hearts are always open to others and see the good in people. If I ever had a daughter, I wouldn't judge her potential suitor based on the color of his skin or what religion he is or what schooling he had or even how much he made. I've seen seen first hand that none of that ensures a happy marriage, and to pick on such criteria alone is a recipe for failure and heartbreak. Instead, I'd judge his character. How he treats his family, how he lives his life... his values and his moral code. What he deems important. And above all else, how he treats my daughter. If I can see love there, true love and care, then nothing else would matter to me. I'd welcome him as my own son. And I would hope that I would have raised her to see and value the same things.

I don't know. I'm no psychologist, but doesn't it seem like she's just using her family as an excuse? Maybe she's not as open as I thought she was. Maybe we're not the same as I envisioned.

It's probably better that things worked out this way. I wouldn't want to be a part that anyway. I want my in laws to love me for me, as their own son. As both of my grandparents loved my parents. And her? Well, she's still free to look for those particular traits that are so important to her. I don't begrudge her whatsoever.

Funny. Back then, I would have been deeply hurt that she would view me in such a negative way, that I wouldn't even be good enough to present to her family. But I've grown and gotten wiser. I know better now, and it doesn't even effect me anymore. If she or her family would choose to focus on such meaningless aspects of me and choose to ignore all the good that I have to offer, then so be it. Their loss. Her loss.

We ended talking a bit about our friendship. I've thought long and hard about what she said. That we don't meet up often because she doesn't want to hurt me, knowing how I feel for her. But you know what I think? I think she's just using that as an excuse too because whether or not I've seen her in the past, my feelings for her have always been the same. I know how I feel about her in my heart, and nothing will ever change that. Rather, she's running scared and denying the one simple fact that she won't let herself admit... that she refuses to give herself the chance or the opportunity to fall for me.

It was a beautifully clear night tonight. The stars were shining so brightly, not a cloud in the sky. I sat outside in the cold air, looking up at the heavens. Very uplifting and brought a smile to my face. Somewhere out there...

I must have been replaying our conversation last night because something dawned on me as I woke up this morning. Recently when I kept asking you to go out and go to Disneyland for a few hours, or just meet up for a nice dinner, you told me no, that you had no time before you leave. And yet there you were telling me yesterday about your hectic week, and how you took your friend to Disneyland a lot. Hmm, guess our friendship just doesn't merit the same effort.

I'm not really that surprised. It seems like we've always just been penpals, a friendship that exists more over the phone and e-mail than in person. And I've always been a secret part of your life that no one else knows about. After all this time, why would I expect that to change? It didn't really sadden me and bring me down or anything though. Just a thought that crossed my mind.

I met up with Big D to catch the big game between the Patriots and the Steelers today. Talked to Sheree a bit, but I also ran into Kristina. Wow, haven't seen her in the longest time. We all just chilled through the afternoon talking and playing cards as we watched the game. Quite relaxing and satisfied a much needed break. Afterwards, I headed over to Big D's and helped him install some speakers into his car. Pretty easy work that didn't take much time. Also grabbed the last set of albums. Talk about a treasure trove of images in there. We couldn't stop laughing at a picture of Sir Spend-A-Lot as a little kid wearing a dress! People are going to have a huge kick out of these images on Christmas!

At night, I went over to my parents house where a group of us was gathered for dinner. Stayed for a few hours, then went home. Before getting home though, stopped by and picked up a wreath and some garland to line my banister. I love holiday shopping, even though I'm spending money I don't have! Still, my house is feeling quite festive now. I'm quite pleased =)

I woke up early this morning to go and get a Christmas tree. And I felt fairly exhausted too, as I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. But while I was there, I couldn't help but smile. It reminded me of when I was younger, It's nice seeing families gather together, choosing the perfect tree. In this day and age where everyone is so wrapped up in their own little worlds, for a brief instant, everyone there seemed focused on the same thing. Shame I didn't have anyone to share it with.

I told M that Christmas trees remind me about this one incident when I was a young kid. I must have only been 5 or 6 at the time, and yet I remember it like it was yesterday. We were still in Chicago and Thanksgiving had literally just past. Me, being the brat of a kid that I was, begged my dad to put the tree up, to which he told me it was still too early. I got all mad and stormed into my room. In there, I wrote out this long spiel about how I wasn't talking to anyone until the tree came up and what not, and then posted it on my door. Most kids throw a tantrum, I on the other hand write a note! Next thing I know, I see my dad in the hallway reading it. And then a few hours later, I see him pulling out the box and assembling our fake little tree. God I love him for putting up with me so. I was such a spoiled punk! In all the years that have passed, and all the real trees and fancy ornaments that I buy each year, nothing holds a fonder place in my heart that that old little plastic tree with it's simple trimmings that I made my dad put up every year. I only hope that when I do become a dad, that I'm able to be even half the dad that my own father was to me. Both of them.

So I got to talking to you a bit tonight and we started talking about destiny. It's funny that you bring it up. Do I still believe in destiny you ask. Hmmm, I always thought that destiny would lead us together. Should I still believe in it then?

Strange. It's been a while since I sent you a little something before you go away for Christmas, and yet I haven't heard anything from you. I know it's been delivered too, so I guess that means that you got it and don't feel the need to acknowledge it or that you received it and haven't opened it yet, thinking it's from someone else and not realizing it's from me. Either way, it kinda sucks. Oh well, it's not about me. I hope you like it anyway.

We ended with me telling you that I notice that you pass up on guys for things that are out of their control. You can meet the nicest guy and get along so well with him, and yet if he isn't Catholic, you refuse to let yourself fall for him. I'm sure I'm not only talking about myself here either. You know, I didn't tell you that to hurt you. I only want you to be happy, as I always have. Nothing hurt me more than seeing your past relationships fail, knowing that you deserved better than those guys. That you could have and should have chosen better. And I don't want to see you repeat the same mistakes.

I know, I'm the one to talk right? I've ruled out countless relationships and numerous possibilities on one sole fact that none of these girls could of controlled... that they weren't you.

What hurts the most,
was being so close.
And having so much to say...
and watching you walk away...
and never knowing what could have been.

.: What Hurts The Most :.
~ Cascada ~

I dreamt of you again last night. You were there in my arms as we lay together, just enjoying each other's company. I still remember the feel of your soft skin as I gently stroked your cheeks. The soft sound of your laughter. I could hear the care in your voice when you spoke. The way you looked at me, the way you smiled, the radiance in your eyes... for that moment, I was truly happy, knowing that someone out there was in love with me so.