Most people are afraid to be honest. If only she would tell you that she does not see the two of you as anything more, then you could move on and not give her a second thought. As for the phone calls and the email, make it one phone call and one email. If you do not hear back from a woman do not pester or chase them. If a woman is not nice enough to answer your email, then as far as I am concerned she is not worth a second thought. Really, how hard is it to send an email to someone?

This passage totally caught my attention. Too true, too true.

Mindless vent #1: You know what kind of annoys me? Why is that people have no hesitation to ask me for favors and yet I have the hardest time reciprocating? What's with this isolationist mentality that I seem to exhibit every now and then? I swear, I think I'm one of those people who would rather take the harder way by myself than the easy way by bothering others. I don't think that's a good thing at all.

Mindless vent #2: How come when people ask for my help with any type of computer related activity, from setting up networks to writing custom programs to stupid tech support, I'm supposed to be the nice guy and just help them for no personal gain, even if I'm busy and it takes days or weeks of my time? And yet these same people expect monetary retribution for any services that they might offer to others in their line of work. If you insist on keeping things professional, then can I start charging too then? Hmm, I think my mindless vent #1 is a direct result of mindless vent #2!

Mother's Day is coming. I need ideas.

One of the benefits of designing software for a living is that I get to sit in front of my computer a lot, which means I have a means to communicate with my friends. Ever since Hombre switched jobs, he's been able to utilize AIM at work, and so now we trade messages back and forth throughout the day while we're working.

We were discussing T's recent breakup, trying to discern what really happened. Obviously all that we hear is severely biased because it's coming only from his perspective. As it turns out, I'm not sure it's totally her fault. Granted, what she did wasn't right, but T seemed pretty unrealistic in his jealousy and it's like they say right? It takes two people. Sometimes when I think back on my ex and wonder where things went wrong, I can't help but put blame on myself. Maybe if I had acted differently or if I had been more supportive and less suspicious, she wouldn't have done what she did. It's tough to say. At that age, people go through a lot of changes, and maybe she was just looking for a change and nothing I did really mattered. Still, I can't help but wonder sometimes.

What it basically boils down to though, both in T's case and in general, is that jealousy is never a good thing. Did he purposely go and look for something that might not have been there? If it was there, did he blow things out of proportion? And did his final actions prevent any future reconciliation between the pair? It's sad that we're all responsible for our own destinies through our thoughts and actions, and yet sometimes, just sometimes, we're too blind to see it.

As I was sitting over dinner with my aunt, she was telling me all these stories of girls manipulating guys, urging me to be careful. Especially girls online. I don't meet girls online I told her. Isn't it funny though that you hear all this talk of watching for sexual predators on the Internet and yet you never hear of emotional and materialistic predators? Anyway, the whole conversation came up when we were discussing my cousin's family. Apparently they're leaving for vacation in Vietnam for three weeks and will need someone to take care of the house and dog. When I wondered aloud where the very cute tenant that was renting a room went and why she couldn't just watch it, I was told that she moved out a while ago. Moreover, she went into a long story about why the tenant was forced to move out.

Apparently the girl, whom I noticed one time at a family party as being pretty cute, was very good at manipulating men. She met up with this older gentleman in a class they shared, and over a period of time, managed to gain his trust. It got to the point where whenever she needed anything, he was there for her. One thing led to another, and before you know it, the man is paying for her rent, her car, electronics and appliances. You name it, he did it. Well, turns out she was playing him. Whatever he bought her, she would turn around and sell for the money. And soon she found another guy, and by then, the man had realized that he was played, so he cut off her rent and she had to move out. So sad isn't it? Yet another instance gradually reinforcing the belief into my mind that girls are trouble and love as I've envisioned it is nothing but a sham. Are there no more sincere girls out there? Someone whom when they tell you that they love you, really mean it???

I was talking to Hombre about his DD situation over dinner last night and he told me about their conversations over the weekend and where he stands with her. Basically she's at the point where she's unsure of what she wants. But she knows she's not looking for a boyfriend yet. He told me how crushing it is to his confidence to hear things like that. I hear you my friend. It's absolutely demoralizing when the girl you like so much tells you that she doesn't like you back. Trust me, I know all to well. At least you have it better than I did though. At least she's considering you, biding her time to until she's ready. I couldn't even get a consideration...

So now the poor guy must decide what to do. Does he wait for her, hoping that her consideration will one day turn positive? Or does he move on and just remain her friend? All I can say is that from my witnessing of their interactions, if she truly doesn't see him as boyfriend material, she should stop being so touchy feely with him. Stop holding his hand. Stop sitting on his lap. Stop gently caressing his face. All she's doing is setting him up for a huge heartbreak if she ever decides he's not the right one.

Love is cruel emotion isn't it? Capable of such extreme highs one moment and such deep lows the next. I was reading this theory today on FFVIII. I came across something I never read before, and that is the idea that Rinoa and Ultimecia are in fact the same person. Ultimecia is nothing more than the future representation of Rinoa after Squall has died. No longer having her love and support by her side, her knight keeping her rooted, she ends up going crazy and uses her powers for evil. The theory goes and points out all these clues which I guess are debatable, and so it's up to the reader to decide if this is true or not. Frankly after reading it all, I find myself believing it, and so now the story is just that more compelling. I had already liked it before when it was a simple fairy tale of love conquering the evil in the world, but now that this twist is added, showing that that same evil is in fact born from the loss of that love, the story reaches a new tragic level.

How amazing such a love must feel, so that when you're deprived of it, you're deprived of yourself almost. Too bad love like that doesn't exist in the real world.

It's strange how the world works sometimes, doesn't it? Maybe there is someone up there watching over me and messing with my life after all, but I find it ironic that in the end, it was this that made me realize it all - a series of messages that finally opened up my eyes. Reminded me of who I am. Who I was. What I had before, and what I can be again.

Maybe what everyone was telling me finally got through. Maybe it's that I no longer want to sound like the most depressing person in the world. Or maybe it's just that I've been fooling myself for so long, and I only needed that catalyst to snap me back to reality. For so long now, I've been so adamant in my cause that I've refused to see things for what they are and at the same time, forgetting who I've become. I've forgotten what I'm capable of and how happy I should be. Whatever the cause, I've learned not to question things and just accept the results. Makes you think doesn't it?

Speaking of the past, I was out with friends eating dinner when I saw this group walk in. One of the girls was wearing an AED sweatshirt. Ah, Alpha Epsilon Delta... sure brings back a lot of memories. Some bad, some good. Mostly good actually. You know, I find that as you get older, you learn to forget the bad and tend to just focus on the good.

A lot has happened in this past week, both external to my life as well as internal it seems. I guess I should start with my rant on the world. The whole Virginia Tech shootings absolutely tore at me. I couldn't begin to imagine what that pain must feel like for all those involved. When the videos were released of the killer's manifesto, I felt angry and disgusted at everything he had to say. Here was a guy blaming all his troubles on everyone around him and not on himself. The world is cruel and tough you say? So what? Deal with it. We all get picked on and teased. It's what helps you grow. Tired of seeing rich kids around you? Work hard and get a damn job! Or hell, better yet, realize that money isn't everything! I actually question whatever medication he was taking because I've often wondered at the side effects of such treatments. I don't know, the whole things just sucks, and I found myself actually avoiding the news reports because of their blatant attempts at scoring ratings. Am I the only one who thinks that by portraying him over and over again, they are making him infamous and sadly to say, a source of inspiration for would be copy cats? The papers and news reports flashed the headline a glimpse into the soul of a killer, to which I laugh. Anyone capable of such cruelty has no soul.

You know what's stupid? In the middle of all the news reports, Jack Thompson, that ridiculous lawyer who's taken up a personal vendetta against video games, actually called in and talked about how video games were dangerous and helping to train all these future killers. That it takes all these "murder simulators" to train a person to accurately shoot people. He even went on to guarantee that when police searched the killer's computer, there would be ultra violent first person shooter games. Well guess what? There were no games. Police even found that he barely touched his computer! Hello, when will that moron get it through his thick head that video games don't encourage violence any more than books, movies, or music? Pointing with a mouse and keyboard is completely different from aiming a gun, and to be honest, I don't see how anyone would need training at all to shoot and kill at point blank range anyway. Again, this is all another lame attempt to place the blame on someone else other than the shooter. I hate individuals that try to turn a tragedy into some stupid and sad political agenda. I *hate* politics! Put the blame squarely where it belongs: the shooter. Not elsewhere.

I've found that I've been burying myself in my work. At this point, I have to admit that the work is no longer challenging. But I have some major ideas that I've pitched and am about to implement and it should be completely state of the art if I can get my way. Time and money I guess. That should keep me on my toes though so we'll see. So remember how I mention that one of the small robots I've been working on was in the OC Register? Well it was also on CBS news and I managed to get the clip online. Quite cool, too bad I wasn't around to get filmed. My boss tells me that we should be in the Science section of the New York Times either this week or next. Not bad.

It was Laomedon's 30th birthday bash last Friday. Despite the rain, the turn out was pretty good. I estimate a good 30-40 people still came. Anyway, it was fun. Food, drinks, games. Good laughs with good friends. A nice way to kick of the weekend. As I was sitting there enjoying the festivities, looking around, I could see the future of our group. Playa and his wife. Hombre was there with his girl. M and his. Obviously I don't know how the future will actually end up for them, but I can totally see everyone enveloped in their own little world and our group dissipating. It's ok though. I realize that things always change, and this is yet the next step in life. I smile, content, happy for all my friends. Sad news though. I heard T broke up with his girlfriend. He didn't tell me directly, but word of mouth is that she was e-mailing a lot of other guys and keeping it from him. And supposedly, T is a pretty jealous guy and didn't appreciate it much. I guess harsh words were said and now they're no longer together. It's sad because just a couple of weeks ago, as I sat there watching the two, they looked so happy. Life sure throws a lot of twists at you doesn't it?

I was watching Lost and man, I have to say, Juliet had me totally shocked. I still hold on to some hope that she's actually doing a double play and will remain loyal, but if not, then she totally fooled me. We've all heard these sayings... that women are just here to manipulate men... that you girls are all liars and we guys are all idiots... and that the more beautiful the girl, the more deceitful she is. I've seen it way too much, and I think that's why I'm content where I am now.

We're all planning a Vegas getaway in a few weeks. It should be fun. Anyone wanna come? Oh yeah, Jap Girl asked me snow boarding in a couple of weeks as well. I've never been before but it looks quite fun, so I just might have to take her up on it. Depends on if I have any money of course. Anyone wanna come to that too? Speaking of Jap Girl, she asked this question which I thought was pretty interesting. Is it possible to fool ourselves into thinking that we're in love? I told her, yes, I think that's definitely possible. Sometimes we want something so much we force ourselves to believe it when we really aren't. It's something else. That's what I had with my first girlfriend. I look now and know that I never loved her. That honor goes to my ex, my first love.

Anyway, Jap Girl and I got to hang out and go to Disney as planned. There wasn't much time after work, but what we got in was still cool. The newly modified Space Mountain is actually quite fun, since you can now see all around you and the track is visible. Adds a nice twist to a ride that we're all so familiar with already. I want to hit up California Adventure sometime, but it closes way too early. And when will they show Fantasmic again???

My cousin Sir Spend A Lot flew in on Saturday for my grandmother's dam gio. And my uncle's. Actually, Saturday was also my Dad's dam gio as well. I woke up early in the morning to get some food to cung and pay my respects. I was actually kind of annoyed at my sister because I reminded her that the day was coming up, and she responded that she couldn't do anything. Did I ask her to? It was nothing more than wanting her to do whatever it is that she deems proper to remember her own birth father, but I guess I can't blame her since she was too young to remember him. Still, I have to question any religion that prevents you from even paying your respects.

It's weird that both he, my grandmother, and my uncle all passed away around the same time. I don't remember it being this close all the previous years, but maybe I'm just older now and pay more attention. Either way, I paid my respects to him like I do every year. Just a small little thing between me and him. Nothing big, nothing grand, like how my grandmother had it. But somehow, I didn't mind. Seemed more genuine somehow. Dad, I may not have become the man you hoped I would become, but I hope that you're proud of the man that I am. I know I'm not perfect, but I try. Thanks for always watching over me.

As I was sitting there with my family at night, watching how my cousins each interacted with their fathers, it hit me that I missed out on a lot growing. Not having that father figure that I could relate to and talk to so closely. To bond to. To look at with such hero worship. Oh well, you get what you get in life. I'm grateful for all other things that I did have. But still, I'll admit that I felt saddened by it all.

My cousin should be in town for the week, so hopefully we'll hit up BC and some DV along the way. I haven't had BC in like a month and am really craving it. We all went to DV today to watch the NBA playoffs. Saw Kwame Brown, who is always awesome. All and all, good fun with the family.

Before coming home, I stopped by Playa's to get what I had asked for. So the consensus seems like everyone is against me getting them. The closest thing I got to an approval was Green Muffin telling me that though she's not really into it, I should try it anyway. That I agree with. Since when have I ever really cared for anyone's opinion anyway, right? Anyway, got to try them on and I have to say, the results are quite cool. Definitely different, but kind of cool. I guess I'm just looking for a bit of a change. I've already sent him a message asking for different ones for me to try out.

Ah well, it's way too late. Damn, 4 o'clock already. I better get to sleep. Work tomorrow. This song has been on repeat on my ipod... totally uplifting. Brings a smile to my face. Is there even such a word as daren't? =)

so SORRY for being all that is opposite of what you've been to me...

Wow, I honestly don't know what to say...

I got this advertisement e-mail from 800Flowers, which I've occasionally gotten ever since I sent her flowers a while back, and though I usually just delete all my other junk mail, I decided to take a look. It turned out to be a really nice bouquet of pink roses and Peruvian pink lilies. Has anyone ever ordered from them before? Are the products actually as nice as they appear on screen? Anyway, as I was sitting there, I felt the desire to get them for her. I figured I could just order them anonymously and have them sent to her to just cheer her up. Since I knew she had Wednesdays off, I figured this upcoming one would be a good day to send them. Next thing you know, it's in my cart all ready for my payment and everything. It was then that I stopped and asked myself what was I doing? How many times has she told me that she doesn't want those things from me? Chances are she wouldn't even have known they were from me, and would have ended up in the trash either way. And if she ever found out, I could hear her voice now... why would you do that? Didn't I tell you already?

I don't know why I always think of such things. I guess it's just my fault for always thinking of her, always wanting to make her smile. Some habits are just so hard to break.

I miss her in my life.

People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.

I was talking to Hombre and so apparently DD warned him that the more he finds out about her, the less he'll like her. Why do girls do that? If a guy likes you, please stop questioning it and just go with it? I've never questioned why a girl likes me. Just consider yourself lucky and see if you like them back.

So I've been on a music junkie mood lately. I've been going through my collection and listening to songs that I never knew that I had. Kind of glad that I haven't cancelled my Napster subscription just yet. Anyway, I'm currently hooked on Katharine McPhee. She's kind of cute, no? Especially that new CD cover, yum =) Yes, I know, she was on American Idol last year and so that makes me like a year behind the times, but her voice is pretty sweet and she totally reminds of when I used to listen to Mandy Moore a lot. Her song Over It has this line in its lyrics that just reverberates so profoundly with me. Wanting you to be wanting me, no that ain't no way to be... I keep trying to tell myself that I can't live my life always yearning for someone who hasn't shown any interest in me.

I hate the feeling of being so divided. There's no reason for me to hold on, and yet my heart refuses to let her go. Hope is the most precious treasure to a person. I fear the day that my heart loses hope.

Every time someone looks at my phone and asks who she is, I respond simply by saying that it's a long story. Those that know me well knows who she is, and those that don't can see the sadness in my eyes and just leave it as that. I see her face and I smile, but it's a bitter sweet happiness. My heart still stings. My dearest Thuy, I miss you. I feel so silly for missing someone I never even had and yet I don't care. I don't know how else to feel. So much in this world reminds of you. So much that is good and that's beautiful. Tell me, what am I to do?

Happy Easter everyone.

What a slow morning so far. I heard this great quote just now and wanted to write it down before I forgot when I get home tonight:

Dear baby... I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight. All they do is wrap you up in their arms without an ounce of selfishness to it...

- A mother writing a note to her unborn child

Ah, who says the romantic in me is dead? After all I've been through, I'm still the same. A bit more cynical perhaps, but still a dreamer. Oh well, back to work.

...

E stopped by for a surprise visit today and she brought along her son. Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a year since he's been born. He was bouncing all over the room and I played ball with him a little bit as he looked upon me with huge gorgeous blue eyes. That kid is adorable!

Time sure passes by quickly doesn't it?

I woke up absolutely exhausted this morning for some reason. I didn't go to sleep any later than usual and I didn't wake up earlier than usual, but for some reason, I felt drained. Needless to say, long day.

I was talking with Hombre over dinner yesterday and he shared with me his experiences with DD over the weekend. He recounted their walks and their talks, of her experiences over here far from home, and how she has no real close friends. The one close friend that she has is actually really mean to her. And so now she's purposely shying herself away from others just so that she won't inevitably be hurt. I feel kind of bad for her. Yes, she's ensuring that she's never hurt, but that also ensures that she's never loved either. It's like I put on my dedication page. If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain... In order to love you have to risk the pain. You need to let people in and trust that the right ones, the ones that matter, will treat your heart with care and never break it.

That's why I shouldn't really be sad about MCAT Girl. Telling her how I felt for her and how much I love her was such a huge risk. My heart was laid bare and I was so vulnerable that in the end, I was hurt, and the pain was excruciating. But you know what? It's a risk and pain that I'd gladly take over and over again if it meant that there was even the slightest chance she'd feel differently about me. The rewards would have far exceeded any risk.

Sometimes I wonder if it had been better had I never told her the depths of my feelings. To just let her know I was interested and leave it at that. Would that have changed anything? Well, all I know is that I'm glad I told her, because it would have eaten me up if she never knew.

I think back to my conversation with him. I remember him telling me that she had feelings for me, and I can't help but be torn. I want so much to believe him there, to accept that at least once in her life, she felt something for me. But if that were true, why didn't she tell me? I need to keep reminding myself that nothing he said was true.

Oh, I got a call from C today at work asking about my trip. We caught up on the daily goings on our lives. Apparently his dad is in the hospital and has to go into surgery this Thursday with only a 70% success rate. I pray all goes well for him.

No BC for me tomorrow because M is busy with work. Gotta find someone to have dinner with instead to satisfy my midweek recharge. Should I call Mai up for Tulsa's since she's been asking me to go? Haha, that would be interesting.