.: archives :.
 
 
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I got to take Jen out to eat tonight. We were joined by one other friend, but it worked out because I still got to spend time with her outside of work. During the drive to and from dinner, we got to talking and I found myself really enjoying myself. For the first time in a long time, everything just seemed so natural. And while we were waiting for dinner, despite the plethora of beautiful girls around, I constantly found myself just looking at her and smiling to myself, thinking how cute she looked in her little red t-shirt and hat. Adorably quirky. Her facial expressions and her fast paced waddle, everything is just so cute. It saddens me to think that after this weekend, I might not see her any more, but there's nothing I can really do. Instead, I'm just enjoying the moments being near her. That's all anyone can really ask right?

I wonder if it's obvious to her that I like her? And I wonder what she thinks of me? A huge part of me just wants to ask her if she could ever see herself falling for me, or will I never be anything more than a friend? It's funny how in the course of your life you meet thousands of random people, but a single person here or there has the ability to affect you so and make you drop all your defenses.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
You want to know how I know that I've fallen for Jen? She was sick yesterday, throwing up several times, and ended up having to go home early. Rather than being grossed out or the likes, all I could think of was how vulnerable she looked and how I wish I could have been the one taking care of her. I even thought of what it would feel like to kiss her lips and use my fingers to brush her hair behind her ear. *Sigh*.

I didn't plan on falling for her. I swear, I was happy and content living my life. But the more I found out about her, the more I just fell. We share so many interests and I find her confidence and willingness to try new things just absolutely sexy.

It's tricky though because she's just a student, so she's a lot younger than me. While it's fine for me, I don't know if she would ever consider me that way. More importantly, she's volunteering in the lab, which means any action I take could totally make her feel pressured or creep her out. And there's nothing worse than the resulting tension in the office if that were to happen. And she's only around until the end of August. What seemed like a long time at the beginning of summer is rapidly approaching despite my deepest desire to lengthen her time in lab. I swear the day goes by much faster just hearing her voice and seeing her smile. Her mannerisms, her stories, everything about the way she speaks and acts just totally makes me smile.

But I don't know what to do. Compounding all this is the fact that I just found out that Vi recently broke up with her boyfriend. She always was the girl next door, the traditional and safe girl that I know my a parents would like that I settle down with. And I could see me getting along with her just fine. But there's no attraction. I don't feel the same chemistry talking to her the way I do to Jen. Granted it may all be in my head and Jen sees me as nothing more than a friend, but why do the fates always tempt me with two separate directions?

One one hand, the safer more traditional route. Same ethnicity, same age same religious beliefs. And on the other, someone who I never saw myself liking but whom I've utterly become smitten with.

*Note to self: Jen looks so pretty in her pink sweater!

Monday, August 9, 2010

It's been quite a while since I've written any thoughts down. Most of it is due to the fact that there hasn't been anything worth while writing, outside of the occasional dream here and there. Now that I look back, a good half year has passed without a real entry. Probably more like a few years without anything really concrete.

I'll be honest, I pretty gave up on love for a while. When Thuy disappeared from my life in 2007, I came to the realization that I was purposefully avoiding opening up again, be it due to personal baggage from years passed or from the fact that I was tired of being hurt. Either way, I had no desire to let anyone in. And I was perfectly content with that actually.

What's changed? Well, not much, except for the first time in a long time, I'm actually feeling something akin to being smitten. Outside of Thuy, I've never really moved on to anyone else except Lynn, and even she was a stretch, an idealised vision of who I wanted my significant other to be like. Besides, in many ways, I'll never be anything except the Anh Vu that she's grown up knowing. I don't blame her one bit on that though. Things are what they are.

But like I said, something happened recently and I don't really know how or when it started. This new med student started volunteering in lab, and I remember vividly thinking to myself on the first day that I met her that she was pretty impersonal and I doubt I'll even ever talk to her. Well that was at the beginning of summer, and yet now as summer comes upon its end, I find myself quite attracted to her. I see her eyes first thing when I walk in to work in the morning and it fills me with a happiness that lasts the day. Sometimes I find myself just listening to her talk, not really paying attention to anything she's saying in particular, but more to her voice and the unique way she expresses herself. It'd be easy to just label her as quirky, but there's something more that's definitely attractive about her. I can't explain it and that's why I say that I haven't felt this sensation in quite a while. There's no forcing on my part. Just pure and genuine interest and attraction.

It's complicated though. What does she think of me? Am I just a friend to her? And what would be the rules considering she's a student volunteering in the place where I'm employed? On the few occasions we've all hung out after work in a group, I've found myself quite joyful, and longed of asking her to have dinner, just me and her. Over this weekend, I even had dreams about her two days in a row. She's clearly in my thoughts.

There's more, but I'll leave that as it is for now. What am I to do? I forgot how much it stings being smitten by someone and unable to be able to profess your feelings.