Thoughts From An Insomniac

Alright, if you've stumbled onto this page, then you must have read most of my ramblings and by now you must be wondering who I am and why I'm such a hopeless romantic. I guess a little background information is in order.

It's 2003 and I'm a single 25 year old Vietnamese guy living out here in sunny Irvine, California. I hold a Master's Degree in Computer Engineering and Computer Science, a Bachelor's Degree in Biological Sciences, and a Minor in Environmental Analysis & Design. As an undergraduate, I went to UCI where I completed numerous research projects, got published in national journals, and joined multiple honor societies. Sound impressive? Not to me. Actually, to be honest, it's pretty boring stuff so far huh?

I was brought and made to believe, ever since I can remember comprehending intelligent speech, that I was supposed to grow up and follow in my Father's footsteps to become a doctor. I know, typical Asian mentality, right?

I was set down that path until a few years ago when working at both UCI Medical School and UCI Medical Center, I found myself hating my life and where I ended up. Medicine just wasn't for me. I was bored, stuck in a field that I didn't like, doing things that I didn't believe in, and surrounded my pompous individuals with god complexes who thought they were deities.

It took me a while before I realized that it was my life, and the longer I waited to live it the worse it would be. It was no longer suitable for me to live out someone else's dream. Like a river stemming from the sea, I had to cut my own course. I finally made the decision to leave medicine behind, even though I had already taken the MCATs and was past Secondaries on my applications.

At that point, I had not yet decided to go back to school, and my my life lacked direction. I had no clear aim towards what my future might be. I was lost and confused, with no where to turn to. My family was very against my decision, needless to say. To make matter worse, my long term girlfriend at the time had just cheated on me and we broke up. I wanted to cry out, so that my voice could be heard, to be comforted, to have someone reassure me that what I was doing was right... but no one was there to listen. No one. I felt so alone, like the world was out to get me, as if every force in nature was there to add to my misery. The days seemed long and the nights so much longer.

My life was in shambles and that was the point when I hit rock bottom. Like that famous line from Friends, "It's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me."

I needed to take control of my life before it spun crazily out of my hands. After taking the necessary steps to enter Graduate School, including taking the GREs, I readied myself to fulfill all the prerequisites that I was still lacking due to an undergraduate education that was focused only on Biology. I was accepted right away, and I looked forward to starting over. Finally, I felt like my life was picking back up.

And now we come to the point of this page. Well, a lot of things happened within these past few years, but one instance, or in particular, one individual really made an impression on me. Throughout my entire life, I've only been in love twice... and she is one of them. If anything this page is dedicated to her. Anyway, to fully understand me and to understand why I made this page, continue reading on...

Beauty of Our Friendship

Friendship is a Priceless Gift
that cannot be bought or sold,
But its value is far greater
than a mountain made of Gold.
For gold is cold and lifeless,
it can neither see nor hear
And in the time of trouble
it is powerless to cheer--
it has no ears to listen
Nor heart to understand,
It cannot bring you comfort
or reach out a helping hand
So when you ask
God for a gift
be thankful if HE sends
not diamonds, pearls or riches
But The Love of Real True Friends.

- Helen Steiner Rice -

Way back in the fall of 1997, I was all set on going to Medical School. And as we all know, the route to Med School must travel through the dreaded MCAT. So me, being the good boy that I am, enrolled with a few of my buddies in an MCAT prep course. Of course at the time, I didn't think it was going to be that good of an experience. My friends were cool and all, but I wasn't really that close to them at that point, and besides, I mean who would want to spend their nights and weekends cooped up in a classroom learning biology, organic chemistry and physics, right?

Well, the first day of class, I'm sitting there waiting for the instructor to begin, looking around to see who my fellow classmates for the next few months were going to be. All of a sudden, this stunningly beautiful girl walks in and sits down across the room from me. This is the type of girl I would never in my dreams have the courage to approach and talk to!

She was wearing this pink shirt with black pants and a black jacket. And she had a pink ribbon tied in her hair that complemented her outfit very well. Very classy I thought to myself. But then, she turned and for the first time, I saw her eyes and at that moment, I just melted! I've seen beautiful before, but wow! You know how some people just have an affect on you?

It took me a few days of gathering up enough courage, but I finally decided on the third day of class to sit next to her and start up a conversation to try to get to know her a bit more. I get to class, and thanks to my luck, she's not there yet. So, all sad and bitter, I sit down and wait for the instructor to arrive. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she arrives and sits down right next to me. Am I the luckiest guy or what? Well, maybe not but I was pretty surprised!

So for the next hour of lecture, I periodically glance over I noticed that she was wearing a USC sweater; once again, it was pink! So, during one of the breaks I figured what the heck, I got nothing to lose right? I turn to her and asked "Wow, you go to USC?" And that was the story of how I met one of the most pleasant, memorable, and special persons in my life!

	hank you for being the sweet person you are. The thought of your
	adiant smile has always lifted my spirits more often than you realize.
	nd even though we only met for a short time together, I'll
	ever forget those wonderful days.

	ow here we are, years later; much time has
	one by, and yet I still consider you as
	ne of my dearest and
	closest friends.

	ouching me in a way that you'll never know,
	elping me through the toughest of times without realizing it, your
	nique spirit and soul has restored my faith in love.
	ou can always count on me to be there for you.

	ery few people are as kind, caring, and have a good heart like
	ou. I hope you know how very special you are...

Yes, her Vietnamese name is Tran Ngoc Thuy Vy, or if you prefer the Western method of surnames, Thuy Tran. Of course at that point, I never truly realized how big an impression she would leave on me or how her name would forever be etched in my memories. Over the course of the class, we got to know each other and I was so surprised at how much we had in common... our interests, our goals, and our views on life, love, and what not. So over the course of the class, we became closer and closer friends...

You might be wondering now... did we ever hook up? I came close to asking her out on several occasions. Actually, I remember asking her to see Titanic with me, but at the last minute, she was unable to make the time. On another instance, I had given her a heart I made as a present, only to have it returned to me. She told me that she only wanted one from her boyfriend.

I could have easily rescheduled the movie, or asked her out at the instance she told me she only wanted the gift from her boyfriend... but I had my reasons for backing out. I was young and stupid, and looking back, the reasons I chose for not being with her were ridiculous and superficial, especially since all the signs showed us to be a compatible couple. I was most blind.

Unfortunately, we went to different schools and when the class ended, we went our separate ways. I still tried to keep in touch with her through e-mail, but we were both just so busy. In addition, it was later that semester that I met the girl that would end up becoming my girlfriend. And though I moved on and fell in love with her, there was always a question in the back of my mind regarding the girl before her, and if I had made the right decision. Sadly, Thuy and I grew apart, and I lost touch with her. I never even got a picture of her =(

A FRIEND IS A TREASURE

A friend is someone we turn to, When our spirits need a lift.
A friend is someone we treasure, For our friendship is a gift.
A friend is someone who fills our lives, With beauty, joy, and grace.
And makes the world we live in, A better and happier place.

-Anonymous-

But even though we were apart, every time I felt that love was horrible and that no one was good in the world, I would think back and remember the girl that shared my views on so much. And then I would smile.

And so we return back to a few years ago when I decided to leave Medicine. I was starting a new life, setting right so many of my past mistakes. It was a good opportunity to be reborn. One day I thought of her, the girl that got away, and I knew that I had to find her again. If we were truly soul mates, then I would be able to find her. I told myself, whether in this life or the next, I would find her. I just knew I would.

Over the course of weeks and months of investigating, researching, tracing everything I can remember her telling me about herself and her family, I finally located her. With nervous tension, I sat down to write her a letter. What if she forgot me? What if she saw me now and no longer thinks of me in a good manner? All these thoughts ran through my head, but in the end, I just had to try. And so I mailed it. And before you know it, she called me.

I remember meeting her again. I was so nervous that I'm sure I made a fool of myself. As we sat there eating lunch, I marveled at her. Here she was, the girl that was in my mind for so long, sitting across from me, more beautiful than I remembered her. More beautiful than any girl I know of. And I remember that it must be fate, or some grand power above that allowed me to find her and become her friend again. Serendipity indeed.

And so we slowly got to know each other again. The days and weeks passed. Weeks became months. But only this time, something happened that didn't happen before. You see, somewhere along the way, I fell in love with her.

But in real life though, fairy tales aren't real. And like when we first met, this time was also not meant to be. You see, she was already in a committed and loving relationship.

If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain...
In order to love you have to risk the pain.

-Anonymous

I confessed to her later on how I felt about her back then, and how I feel about her now. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I wanted her to know that she was always in my thoughts. But it didn't matter how I felt about her. She was already with someone else, and it wasn't my place to get in the way. And so anything I felt had to be buried deep inside because I didn't want to stand in the way of her happiness.

And you see, I've lost her as a friend once already... I didn't want to lose her again. And so now you know where the quote of this site comes from. "I don't know whether to smile because we'll always be friends or cry because that's all we'll ever be." The quote is dedicated to her.

So was it worth finding her again? Definitely! In finding her, not only have I managed to find a long lost friend, but also by finding her, I've learned what true love is. Like they say, love isn't about possession or jealousy. Love isn't about wanting someone so much that it hurts. Love is the ability to look at her, see the happiness in her eyes, and be happy for her. To know that no one, not even me, could be better for her than the man she's with now. Despite everything I could do, everything I would do for her, when it comes down to it, I'm not him... and so that's who she should be with. What could be better for the one that I love so much?

I don't think she realizes how much she means to me. How much I love her still. How much I regret passing her by for such trivial and meaningless excuses. She may never know how I feel. And maybe it's better that way, because she can still act normal around me without any awkwardness.

Every time I picture her smiling, it melts my heart and brings a huge smile to my face... like no other can. Her voice is what gave me strength to start anew, reassuring me when I needed it, and lifting me when I fell. Without knowing it, she's been my source of inspirations these past few years. I value her friendship always.

Through her, I've learned that love can be pure. Her love for him is so pure it lifts my spirits. And my love for her is at the same time quiet and passionate, forever secret. Forever silent. And through all of this, I've learned that maybe in this day and age, love can still be pure and innocent.

So, when someone asks me who this MCAT Girl is and why she still holds such a special place in my heart, I have a hard time explaining. It's hard to say really. She's the one person who's defied definition in my life. She was never my girlfriend, and yet to call her just a friend isn't enough. Though we never really spent enough time together to move past her being called anything but an acquaintance, we knew so much of each other, or the other's hopes and dreams, that it can't just be called an acquaintanceship. My friendship with her was no where on the timescale with respect to other friends, but yet I consider her one of my closest friends always. A minute with her is like hours spent with anyone else. I can only hope that deep down somewhere, I've left as much on her as she has touched me in so many different ways.

Anyway, so as you can see, the point of this page was just to dedicate something to someone who managed to, without trying, and without really even knowing it, touch me in a way that so few have. I don't expect her to ever find this page, but it's just my way of saying, "Thank you Thuy. I hope you know how special you are, how blessed I was to have met you, and how I'm a better person for having known you."